2008

I decided to continue writting on this blog.
I've opened a new one for 2008 but I gave it up.
So much has happened since my last entry here.
I could analyse so much, but won't bug you with any inner dialogue (or monologue) I'm leading in myself.

It's funny how you have things repeating in your life.
I've had patterns happening in my life and it was really fun to see myself reacting to them differently each time. By now, I've really learned to detach myself a lot from that, and can really say I've learned the lesson and I've learned how NOT to be touched by things.
Buddhism.

As always, a lesson comes knocking on your doors, and you better open them and face it while it still knocks gently. Because it will ring the bell then. And then bang on the door. And if you still pretend no one's home, it will just break in with one strong kick. And then better run for your life.

Taking things as they come, accepting all. Good and bad. Knowing there is no good and bad. Just things. And things are just temporary things. We're so much more than that.
People count. Being nice to people, accepting them as they are. Accepting yourself. Your life. Not taking life seriously. Not taking things personally.
Not complaining. Looking around and seeing people who really have problems.
Being grateful for people liking and accepting me.
Accepting and liking myself.
Taking a deep breath and smiling.
Everything is good, if not, it will only get better.

Yes, we are dust in the wind, but it still doesn't mean we cannot enjoy our short flight through the air. Perhaps it's an illusion that we can control our lives, perhaps it's just the wind of destiny that drives us through, perhaps our journey will end tomorrow, perhaps we'll collide with another particle and make a quantum leap, perhaps we will find and melt with another human being, perhaps we will stay alone. In the end we're alone. So we better like it.

I have so much to learn.
I know nothing.
I've just scratched the surface.
But I want to learn.
I don't want a shortcut, because shortcuts are sometimes longer ways if you get lost on your way.
There are many lost people around, and it's not my task to help them.
I will go my way, and no one will stop me. If someone wants to walk a while with me or follow, I'll be glad to enjoy some nice company.
But I am perfectly ok with travelling alone. If that's what life intended for me now, I accept it.
I had some really great people coming into my life and walking out of it again in these few months. They were a great company, and it was hard seeing them go. I still love them.
But that's life.
You cannot stay in a circle, because if you do, it's just an illusion you live in. You feel like you're moving, but you're not getting anywhere. I KNOW ABOUT THAT WELL!!

So..
I feel like I'm standing on a huge huge meadow...covered with millions of flowers. Warm summer air smells so sweet...the sky above me is crystal clear, with few funny shaped fluffly clouds.
There are nice nature sounds and if I ever get bored of them, I have my music in my pocket.
Yes, it is a bit lonely at times...I feel like I'm all alone....but I know I could eventually meet someone out there, who'll cross way with mine. Perhaps we will walk together...support eachother. Share what we have. Synergy.
2+2=5 (at least)
that's what I'd take. Nothing less than that.

I could easily have 2+2=4 but for now that's not good enough. I don't want to rush into a relatonship just because, and especially I don't want to introduce a new partner to my kids.
No way. It could turn out that 2+2=3 or less, and I don't want that.