Who is Tanya?

I never liked my name, Tanja. Well, most kids hate their names. When I was a kid, my Barbie was named Elisabeth.

I'm not sure my name suits me. It's sweet and short. While I'm only short, but sweet?
Someone told me all Tanja's are beautiful and sexy, while I never saw myself as that. Smart, yes. Kind, yes. Ok looking, sometimes.


They say, we have 3 parts in us. The person we'd like to be, the person we think we are, and the person we really are. And that's the only one we don't know.

Tanya is my projection. I'd like to be as cool and as loved and as appreciated as she is. Omg, and she really is all that. She leads a fabulous second life. She has a cool job, a wonderful house, and is always surrounded and often overwhelmed by all those fantastic great guys and friends.

I'm trying to make this gap between Tanya and Tanja smaller.
I am slowly becoming as cool as Tanya.

There's a huge change in me outside and inside.
I've stopped being the person my ex always wanted me to be.
Or even more accurate, I stopped myself from preventing being the person my ex never wanted.

Yes.
It's not his fault.
It was me, pretending I'm something else.

This is me today.

I am happy when I look at myself. I can look into my eyes and smile. Say: you're ok kiddo. You're not perfect of course, but perfection is boring.

We're all walking yin yang signs... if we were pure perfect white circles, it would really be...dunno...this makes it a challenge I guess.

In these 9 months which were a journey back for 9 years I'm slowly finding my way back.

I have my kids and I am happy.

I really enjoy them.

I think I'm a fantastic mom.

I'd like to have a mom like this.

Not perfect again, I can lose my nerves and yell (and hate myself after it). It's so amazing how wonderful our kids work as mirrors. They reflect our inner world. When I'm calm and centered, my kids behave fantastic. When I'm in a hurry, not there and now, my kids run wild too. They tease, love to push my buttons and it's a vicious circle.

BUT what makes me a good mother is the fact that I don't blame my kids for not behaving, I KNOW IT'S ME!!!

I'm happy with my job and the place I live. I know I owe it to my ex, but hey, he owes me a lot too!!!

....to be continued...

Facing myself

Yes, I've been running away. Fooling myself. Protecting myself. From the bare simple plain truth.

In these months, I've been acting like I'm doing great, I'm so complete, so content, back to myself, but actually, I have never been more far away than now.

What have I learned?
There are all kinds of people out there. And no one is complete.
I've been with the most georgeous men. Virtually of course. I've been with them connected on all levels, just the physical part was missing.
I've been in the company of the most wonderful men. Too good to be true ones. But they were like stickers... they glued on me, stayed there for a while and then they were removed in one short and painful move.
I've had the most fabulous peoople around me, telling me how fantastic I am. Brain researchers, famous pianists, profesors, professor's assistants, artists, designers...
They had the most cool jobs, all kinds of licences, pilot's licence, MENSA members, Prometheus presidents...you name it.

And? And?
And nothing.
I still woke up alone each day. Missing my kids. Missing my family life. Missing taking care of someone. Missing buying things for someone. Missing, painfully missing.

I talked to my ex today...and it felt just like our good times. He made me laugh... he sees right into me. I see right into him. He joked. I told him he screwed up my life.
I realized how much I took him for granted too. His kindness. His generosity. His positiveness. His fighting for all of us.
I accused him of taking me for granted, while that's exactly what I did. I have big responsibility for this all.
Oh, fuck.

And then a friend gives me a link to a song, and I burst into tears. I feel the weight of this all. It's so much pain. It's so much love and hope and weight in this.
Tears fall right from my eyes to the floor as I write this. Soon, there will be a lake like Alice in wonderland and I'll be swimming/drowning in it.

I see I still have a chain which is preventing me to swim away from his influence. I'm anchored. I have no idea if I'll ever get free of this.

No regrets?

I often say I don't regret anything I've done in my life (well, except few things which weren't really healthy). But I really only regret things I didn't do.

What?

For example, diving with dolphins on Malta. Because we were with the group and i was told not to divide from the group.
Swimming with dolphins on Cuba. Same thing. Listened to other people again.
Seeing the pyramides while being in Egypt. Ok, although I admit, driving 400 km with a crazy taxi driver isn't a good idea when you're a mom of 2.

But...
I must say, I pretty much do what my impulses tell me to. Well, I try to. I have these inhibitions and little scared voices in me, but I get aware of them, and I jump over my own shadow. Of course it's embarassing sometimes. Of course you get rejected a lot. But otherwise you'll never know.

Do something that scares you each day.
When I was younger I wasn't scared at all. I did the wildest things. Hitchike, sleep under the starry sky in a sleeping bag, go to a big city alone, sneak out of the hotel to go partying in spain while the teacher said: no one goes out today and so on. I had fun. Who dares, wins.

Today I'm a bit more careful. But I still take my chances.
And yes, I still regret things I didn't do when I heard the voice inside: DO IT.

Why I'm writting this?
I just bought 2 chocolattes, to share with my coworkers.
At the cashier's in front of me was this really poor, dirty guy with a little child in a pushchair. And I realized all he bought was a small, cheap candy for his son.
And then I saw he collects empty bottles and sells them. And he was so gentle to that kid it brought tears to my eyes.
And my first impulse was: buy them something. give them money. Give one chocolatte to the kid. DAMN.
And I didn't do it.
And still regret it.

Because my coworkers and I ate just one, and the other one is in my drawer, as a reminder.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Another favorite quote of mine.

Anyway, this grounded me again. Back to basics. To important things.
To the core.
Damn, I have it so good...so many things I should be so grateful for. And yes, I had a very tough week, but hundreds of millions would give years of their lives to have a week like this.

Damn, Tanja...you're being so ungrateful again.

Why men marry bitches

Is the title of one of the stupidest books I've read.

I was thinking about it as I was cleaning the house today and thought, this really can't be happening. First we had centuries of men telling us what to do and how to behave, and now instead of listening to ourselves finally, we have homosexuals and other women doing it for us.
(and no, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against homosexuals, au contraire, but the way they terrorize us with their fashion concepts, pressuring us to look like young boys is just terrible, but that's another subject).

And now we have HER.. Sherry Argov and her book, telling us what to think, what to say, how to act and how to react.
And yeah, let's not forget our goal: how to get HIM to marry us.

Oh-my-God.
I was really wondering what my purpose on this planet was. Now I know it.
I have to lure a male and make him totally crazy about myself by rejecting him, not answering his calls, punishing him for not calling me, being totally cool, making him believe I have a life and better things to do instead of spending my time with him.

I mean, I just adore books which tell us how NOT to be ourselves.I adore books which tell us that we're not complete without someone.
I adore books which make us feel bad for caring for someone.

Now....I really have to ask myself, how is that kind of thinking supposed to make us happy. How this is supposed to make us feel like true us.
Complete as one person, together with another complete person, while the sum of two people is becoming more than just simple adding two together?

Oh dear.First I put the book away thinking: rubbish. But then I've read it and suddenly I started hearing voices.
LOL, one voice that is. HER VOICE. Sherry (I can exactly imagine how someone named Sherry can look like).
Don't do this. Act like this. No, no you're doing it wrong. You'll chase him away.Don't show you care. Don't answer. Be a bitch. Yesssss....good girl.

But I have to admit. It worked. It totally confused the guy.
And he wasn't the only one. I got confused too.Because I realized I don't enjoy the relationship anymore. From nice, easy and relaxed it had become a game where you have to be on guard. Make your moves before him. Watch each word. Think twice. Don't follow your heart. Follow the instructions from the book!

What an amazing concept.
Act like you have a life.

Amazing concept #2
Act like you don't care so you lure him to marry you
(what a noble and true motiv)

Amazing concept #3
books stops there. Not a single word about AFTER he really does marry you. Do you remove your "fantastic woman" mask and show him the real you? The sometimes sad, sometimes nagging, sometimes needy, sometimes jealous, sometimes weak.....you.
And laugh histerically with the "now you're left with this my dear, till death do us part?"

How about someone writting a book about how to be more YOU.
How to be happy by being YOU.
Accepting YOU and the world.
Accepting the other person and loving her for what she is.
Without wanting to change her. Without changing for her.

I don't need anything, really, but the last thing I need is a victim.
I want to have a life, not pretend to have one.
I want my partner to respect me for what I am, and to accept that person.

Venting

I've always wondered who these women are, sitting in the car and putting make up during redlight.
As I finally left both kids in their daycares this morning, looked at the watch and realized my meeting starts in 20 mins and I still have to prepare some docs, I knew it: single moms.

My kids had a really slow morning. The more I am in the hurry, the more they drag their feet.
We woke up slowly as always, cuddled in bed, hugged, played...then they ate breakfast...but putting on clothes took forever. Then these endless discussions with Mark, him needing explanations why can't we go to the daycare with his bike, and I'm nervously looking at my watch, realizing he has to be in the daycare in 15 mins because they have a play this morning.
Then Dominik playing hide and seek in the garage, and yeah, what a great sight, me chasing him around the car in high heels and him laughing his little a$$ off at me.
A sigh of relief and few deep breaths when they are both in their carseats, my ipod connected, music playing, engine running...
I usually can come to work whenever I want. But today I had to prepare for a meeting and I was running late 15 mins. And yeah, I was putting some basic makeup in the car (concealer is my best friend these days, I am chronically sleep deprived) and I came to the office 15 mins before the meeting.

I managed to prepare everything of course, but a remark my boss's assistant made really pissed me off.
I asked her if we found a new accountant and she said, yes, you still haven't come to work this morning as the boss went down to the office, have you?
No I wasn't in the office, I said, in a totally cool tone. I mean, two kids can't get my out of balance, why would she?

But I really feel the urge to sit and talk to her, tell her I'm not a threat to her so she can play the office manager here but she better stop mobbing attempts. Although I perfectly undestand little egos people have and their needs to be important, she shouldn't forget I'm here from the very beginning of this company, and I actually DID her job for years before I got promoted to this position I'm in now.

Oh, office bitches, how I hate those.

-end of venting-

2008

I decided to continue writting on this blog.
I've opened a new one for 2008 but I gave it up.
So much has happened since my last entry here.
I could analyse so much, but won't bug you with any inner dialogue (or monologue) I'm leading in myself.

It's funny how you have things repeating in your life.
I've had patterns happening in my life and it was really fun to see myself reacting to them differently each time. By now, I've really learned to detach myself a lot from that, and can really say I've learned the lesson and I've learned how NOT to be touched by things.
Buddhism.

As always, a lesson comes knocking on your doors, and you better open them and face it while it still knocks gently. Because it will ring the bell then. And then bang on the door. And if you still pretend no one's home, it will just break in with one strong kick. And then better run for your life.

Taking things as they come, accepting all. Good and bad. Knowing there is no good and bad. Just things. And things are just temporary things. We're so much more than that.
People count. Being nice to people, accepting them as they are. Accepting yourself. Your life. Not taking life seriously. Not taking things personally.
Not complaining. Looking around and seeing people who really have problems.
Being grateful for people liking and accepting me.
Accepting and liking myself.
Taking a deep breath and smiling.
Everything is good, if not, it will only get better.

Yes, we are dust in the wind, but it still doesn't mean we cannot enjoy our short flight through the air. Perhaps it's an illusion that we can control our lives, perhaps it's just the wind of destiny that drives us through, perhaps our journey will end tomorrow, perhaps we'll collide with another particle and make a quantum leap, perhaps we will find and melt with another human being, perhaps we will stay alone. In the end we're alone. So we better like it.

I have so much to learn.
I know nothing.
I've just scratched the surface.
But I want to learn.
I don't want a shortcut, because shortcuts are sometimes longer ways if you get lost on your way.
There are many lost people around, and it's not my task to help them.
I will go my way, and no one will stop me. If someone wants to walk a while with me or follow, I'll be glad to enjoy some nice company.
But I am perfectly ok with travelling alone. If that's what life intended for me now, I accept it.
I had some really great people coming into my life and walking out of it again in these few months. They were a great company, and it was hard seeing them go. I still love them.
But that's life.
You cannot stay in a circle, because if you do, it's just an illusion you live in. You feel like you're moving, but you're not getting anywhere. I KNOW ABOUT THAT WELL!!

So..
I feel like I'm standing on a huge huge meadow...covered with millions of flowers. Warm summer air smells so sweet...the sky above me is crystal clear, with few funny shaped fluffly clouds.
There are nice nature sounds and if I ever get bored of them, I have my music in my pocket.
Yes, it is a bit lonely at times...I feel like I'm all alone....but I know I could eventually meet someone out there, who'll cross way with mine. Perhaps we will walk together...support eachother. Share what we have. Synergy.
2+2=5 (at least)
that's what I'd take. Nothing less than that.

I could easily have 2+2=4 but for now that's not good enough. I don't want to rush into a relatonship just because, and especially I don't want to introduce a new partner to my kids.
No way. It could turn out that 2+2=3 or less, and I don't want that.

ROFL

I had to laugh at myself now.
I am so hungry. Yesterday I bought a tuna steak and some shrimps...but then I realized they were still moving in that bag so I left the shrimps for today.
LOL...that is the advantage of living near the coast, that you actually get the fresh food (or alive, moreover). I never buy alive things though, because I can't eat them then. I can't even clean the fish by myself. LOL
Anyway...
I was hoping that the shrimps will be dead by today. Today morning I was getting the milk and heard a creepy sound....the sound of their legs scratching into that plastic bag. ewwww....gave me the creeps.
By now I'm really wondering what to do...it's 18:22 and I had no lunch, just some bread and cheese in the morning.
I checked them up...and one is still alive. LOL
If I could, I would throw him back into the water. I definitely can't throw them into hot oil, but that would be the most human thing to do. Damn.
Should I leave this guy die while I take out the rest? The more I think of them, the less hungry I feel.
Damn...I miss a man in the house, rofl.

Few days ago I went to check up on Dominik and saw a huge spider on the wall... and I never kill spiders.
Spiders are useful. I take them out.
So I took something and opened a window...but then I though: yeah well, way to go Tanja...it's like -4 outside, he will live long and prosper for sure and have a great life for like 4 seconds, probably will freeze while faling out of the window lol.
So I took him to the bathroom....put it into the bathtub, he was so scared lol....it was so obvious he was running for his life when I put him down. Poor creature.
And yes, I am totally crazy.
And totally a nice person.
I wish everyone was so sensitive about other creatures in this world. When I look at the news I can only wish for that.
I think I will go out buy some more bread.

Epilogue

19:22 Hungryyyy

Told myself: ok now Tanja, really....you're a big girl....go and look.
So I investigated and looked..it was 4 shrimps in the bag....2 dead, 1 probably dead (no, I didn't poke him) and 1 alive and kicking. And it's not a good day to die today for him so it seems.
F**ck. The more I watched him wiggle, the more it came clear to me that there's no way I'll be eating these guys. I adore crabs, but...I prefer them well done.
And the more I looked at him, the more alive he got....the poor guy was freezing in the fridge. Should I let him out, perhaps he'll walk? (a thought appeared in my mind)
Sure, let's just make him a shoulder pet, lol

And then: Okay, Tanja....let's find a way to kill it..and you're a vet. THINK!
LOL...no aether...besides, not sure it's healthy to eat aenesthesised food.

And then I thought of a solution: the FREEZER.
I read somewhere that freezing is a nice way to die, like in a dream, you just fall asleep! Nice dreams shrimpy....hasta la vista baby.

and, yes I know, people go to the fish market not to have to buy and eat frozen seafood.
*sitting in front a salad bowl* Yeah, well...I guess I could easily fit into a buddhist temple...

Mark

LOL, you gotta love my son Mark.
He's so funny and so intelligent.

Even my sitter which is working with kids for over a decade says she hasn't had such a smart kid, like if he was 9 or something.

Okay, the fact aside that he's found out about Santa...got all that figured out in a minute, even figured out it was a job some people are taking, putting a fake beard...doing commercials and so on.
But I admire him for the fact he knows exactly what to say to achieve something.

Right now, he's not using it in a good way though. He's using it to punish us, my ex and me for splitting up.

As I picked him up at friday, he told me he didn't miss me at all (to which I told him that this is too bad since I missed HIM a lot).

And yeah, I know he said this because he was mad at me, for not seeing me for a week he spent with his dad. Still, it hurts.

And then he said that daddy will buy him better xmas presents.
Ok...now that hurt too.
But, how come he knows we're actually the ones buying presents???


But I think my ex got even a bigger punch in his face.

Mark told him that we went to the city to find a new daddy for him.
But that he's still the best daddy there is.


Ahahahahahaha.
No wonder my ex snoops around the appartment each time he comes here.
ROFL.
Oh, this so much made my day!

Well, I guess this christmass will be a bit different.

Other people are buying tons of food, cakes and sweets...I went to the supermarket to buy wine and baccardi breezers, lol.

But I bought a bottle of my favorite wine, it will be a treat, lol.

i have to stop thinking. How about a total mental and emotional anesthesia?

Went to the last chiropractic treatment, feeling ok now again. Went to the market, bought some nice fresh vegetables, some domestic food, made a nice brunch for myself when I came home.
I hate eating alone though. But, well....such times I guess.
Yedsterday I felt a bit sad after everyone left, and my ex took the kids, but I remembered there are people even more sad than I am, I am not at all doing bad.
So I transfered the last cash I had on my account to my nanny which was really depressed for some reason (and I think it's the money) and sent an SMS to a poor woman which used to help me with housekeeping (while I could afford paying for it) telling her to come pick up some new winter boots and clothes for her grandson, which my kids didn't use.
Yeah, when you're sad, just look around...you'll find someone who is much sader and in more need than you are...and help him. You'll make both feel better. Making someone happy is the best you can do.
Good karma, besides.

Today I bought myself an olive tree. Instead of an xmas tree....lol I'm doing everything different from the rest of the world. But I read olive branches are a symbol of Christ and of peace. So....nothing wrong in that, better than those millions of trees cut off.
Besides, if I won't have the kids over, no use and all the xmas decoration is being kept at my ex's house, and he will probably use it. although I spent a fortune on really classy decoration 2 yrs ago. Naaah, I want that back, I'll tell him to bring it. hahaha
He called me today, while I was in the car. Asked me how we will arrange things for xmas. I told him no idea....and that we can't cut them in half, and splitting them up -one having one and the other having the other doesn't
make much sense.
And he said "this is something you chose, by yourself"
How? I asked. I just accepted what life sent to me. You were the one who moved out, remember?
Yeah, but I was telling you for two years that things needed to be changed....

Yeah, great, now he's making me responsible for it.
I hung up and realized he made me cry.
Driving and crying..just like a scene from a film.
But just few deep breaths, and I got over it. No idea what he wants and why he said that.
I wanna move on. Be independant of him. Of course at times like these, I imagine us being together and ask myself how it would feel for me. And for a second I have feelings for him...but then I remember all the put downs, how miserable he made me feel...and no....no living in the past...

Looking at my rear view mirror..
Looking at my rear view mirror
I can make it dissappear..
I can make it disappear, have no fear!
I like pleasure spiked with pain and music is my aeroplane
It's my aeroplane...

Challenges

There are times in life, when a strong cold front wind is blowing right into you, preventing you from achieving things the way you want them. Of course, it's so much nicer to have a wind in your back, pushing you forward, but how often is life that smooth? And do we really learn and grow if things are so easy?

Nope...it's those storms, and front wind situations that show us the material we're made from.

And there is a saying..heard it on from that german CEO on the conference: "that in situations when this front wind blows, some people build walls, and some people spread their sails."



In these 100 days, since life made a turn I didn't see coming I've had a strong front wind blowing into me. At first it shocked me, it was so strong and unexpected it almost turned me over. But it didn't.

I made myself small perhaps in the beginning....searching for a shelter. Trembling cold at times too, I admit, it's not easy to be exposed like that. But it's easier to be a leaf than a branch, since resisting the wind of change will occasionaly break you.



So....I said, okay. that's the way it is now. I haven't been prepared for it, but that's how things are now, so let's face them. I faced it. The more I faced it, the more I opened to it, the more I accepted it, the easier it was. I didn't feel like a totally lost person, more like a kite flying on this wind, accepting each direction it will take me, being aware of the fact it can break me in any second, but having so much confidence in life it will take me to someplace better for me.



And it DID.



You know about polarity. About two faces of one thing. So...I think I managed to change the polarity from this thing, and turn a strong front wind into a boosting wind into my back I enjoy flying on.

I made the best of it. It took a lot of being centered, focused, spiritual, believing, having faith in life and Universe and just being patient. And yes... praying too. First for my kids, then for love, then for my ex, then for all of us.



I have never felt so right in life, being in the right place at the right moment. It's like all these 8 years I was on some parallel road in life, which had a lot of bumps and curves and a lot of driving around in circle in it. It feels now like I've finally found the highway entrance.



I still have challenging times ahead of me. But it's just strong wind I have to make the best out of it. Not build a wall or crawl into a hole, but make the best of it, use it for my voyage.



I have been pushed into situations in life which really dragged out all of my potential I didn't even know I had in me.

This week for example has been very challenging, but it also had huge growing possibilities. And I will have the kids AGAIN this weekend. I don't mind having them, but I'm beaten too....I admit.

With my kids, this week I felt more like a father.... and my nanny has been their mom.
It was good for a change, spending less but really quality time with them, enjoying playing with them and relaxing just by talking to them.
And you know, now that the roles have changed, I realize all I did for my ex, being his support, mother of his kids, cleaning lady, cook, ironing his shirts, buying clothes for him and above all of that, working at the office too.
Damn, he was so ungrateful. He took it so much for granted, and I didn't take any credit for it.

But well....time to move on. This week is almost over, I did a hell of a job, didn't sleep much, didn't spend my time with my kids as much as I wanted to, had to pay a lot of money to people taking care of my kids and ironing my blouses and I'll also have the kids for the weekend.

Tireeeeed...........

Counting

We tend so often to forget how lucky we are. There was this story which went like this:

If we could reduce the world’s population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all existing human ratios remaining the same, the demographics would look something like this:
60 Asians
12 Europeans
5 US Americans and Canadians
8 Latin Americans
14 Africans

49 would be female
51 would be male

82 would be non-white
18 white

89 heterosexual
11 homosexual


33 would be Christian
67 would be non-Christian

5 would control 32% of the entire world’s wealth, and all of them would be US citizens

80 would live in substandard housing

24 would not have any electricity(And of the 76% that do have electricity, most would only use it for light at night.)

67 would be unable to read

1 (only one) would have a college education.
50 would be malnourished and 1 dying of starvation

33 would be without access to a safe water supply
1 would have HIV
1 near death
2 would be near birth
7 people would have access to the Internet


If to take a look at the world from this condensed perspective,the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes evident.
Think of it!

If you woke up this morning with more health than sickness,you are luckier than the million that will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced a war,
a loneliness of an imprisonment,
an agony of tortures
or a famine
You are happier, than 500 million persons in this world.

If you are able to go to church, mosque or synagogue without fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death,you are happier, than 3 billion persons in this world.

If there is a meal in your refrigerator,
if you are dressed and have got shoes,
if you have a bed and a roof above your head,
you are better off, than 75% of people in this world.
If your parents are still alive and still married,then you are a rarity.
If you have a bank account,
money in your purse
and there is some trifle in your coin box,
you belong to 8% of well-provided people in this world.

If you read this text, you are blessed three times as much, because
Someone has thought of you;
You do not belong to those 2 billion people which cannot read
and... you have had your computer!


Someone has told once:
Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
Dance like nobody's watching,
Sing like nobody's listening,
Be surprised, like you were born yesterday,
Tell the truth and you don't have to remember anything,
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
This is your World!
And you are able to make changes!
Hasten to do good works!

This is the view from my bedroom window, thought it was a nice sunset, looked even nicer irl. Why I remembered this upper story? Well...I went to buy something for dinner and as I was waiting in line, I saw that cashier woman looking familiar; looked at her name tag and remembered: we went to the same class. And then I looked at her and thought: gee...wow...we both went to med school and now she works as a cashier in here.

I scanned my life from a third persons view in few seconds:

I have a diploma and a doctor's title, a good job, two beautiful kids, nice place to live, I still look quite acceptable, dress nice, can afford all these great things for dinner and a bottle of good red wine which I'll pay without a blink...I was really ashamed for doing so well.
And as I was thinking about a total understatement story like "I'm doing okay" the cashier smiled, I asked if we went to school together and realized this is NOT my classmate.
But it was a good point to stop and count my blessings.

And on the way home, my eyes stopped on a woman's hand....a nice gentle female hand with a golden ring on it. And my first reaction was: oh, she's married, lucky her (something which still remained from this ex relationship of mine).... but then I looked into her face...empty, tired, perhaps even really sick. Hopeless.
So I started thinking...she might be married, but to a really bad guy who doesn't love her and treats her bad, she's totally unhappy...and as for that ring, it doesn't mean a thing to her.

So...I guess I'm quite happy the way I am. I'm quite doing alright. I'm happy for being me and leading my life. Wouldn't like to trade with anyone else in this world. I am really happy. And I should be counting my blessings a lil more often. Like seeing my two angels sleeping like this:

And when I brought my kids into bed and was feeling really tired and exhausted from the day, I thought of someone who didn't sleep, but worked all day and night...has to drive through a strom now for more work and just before that came to spend his precious little time he has just to be with me....and I just thought: wow. And you doubted this guy.

Lucky silly girl.

A quiet weekend

It was a nice one and I needed some time for myself only, didn't have a free day for 2 weeks.


So on Saturday I went to the flower market and bought some pine branches to make an Advent wreath. It's a tradition and I do it each year and prefer creating my own instead of buying one someone made....This year will be a bit different since I didn't have the kids around me or anyone, but well...life changes. Thinking of xmas alone was painful at times, but as soon as I had a sad thought, I put double effort in it and replaced it with 5 happy thoughts.

So, yesterday, on the first Advent, I lit up one candle, and sat in front of it, kinda meditating, looking into that flame.


I was listening to "chasing cars" and it didn't take long for tears to start rolling....and well, some real catharsis following....like another layer within that needed to be purified.

And I felt an urge to visit that special church I feel a connection to....so I dressed and went there....it felt good...getting comfort, peace, hope....being alone with my own thoughts, directing my thoughts toward a higher self...dunno, pretty sure there is one...

Last time I was there, all I wished for was my kids to be happy....and all of my thoughts went into the direction of their well being. My kids are really fine, and now I think it's time life takes care about the mom too...so this time, from all my being, I asked for LOVE.

I long for it.

And I asked that all fake things, all illusional things just drop off....disintegrate, dissolve....disappear from my life. And I'm totally ready to see the truth, no matter what, even if there is nothing to see there, and my path in front of me is totally an empty road. But I want to see it. I don't want to live in illusions leading nowhere.

So, that was pretty much what I had to share with the Universe...lol

Walked home, really fast....had a lot of thins to clear out of my system...many emotions to clear...and it was okay again. I feel fine today.

Today in the office:

And look how I found my two kids the other day! Playing with my av in 2nd Life...well, dear V. looks like my genes were a lil bit more stronger...ahahahahaha

New dawn fades

Lost inspiration for titles.

And another weekend is the working tittle of this entry, but I think I named one entry like this.

Truth is, yes, another weekend. I'm still adapting. And when I look at the past and the first weekends alone I think I adapted pretty well.
My mom told me she is amazed how good I'm dealing with the whole thing, since she was devastated and didn't recover for months.

Well, sure, I said....I could also crawl into my bed and cry, feeling sorry for myself..but it's not helping. Things are the way they are, so I accepted them and moved on.
I told her, that the most painful thing in this all is that I don't have a place to return to.

As for the change of lifestyle, I see it as a challenge...like coming to a big, huge new city you're in for the first time on totally unknown terrain.
You can:
1. Wander around without a goal, hoping the right way will hit you in the face
2. Sit on a bench, feel pretty much lost and feel sorry for yourself
3. Ask other people for help
4. See it as a challenge, enjoy the surroundings and rely on yourself and your higher self which will guide you through life like many times before

Well, I was always good in finding my own way and big cities never managed to scare me. I know I speak the language, I know I'm a smart grown up woman, I know I still have the options 1-3 left.

Sooo...
Not scared at all. Actually enjoying the foreign terrain.
I'm also proud of how I managed to cut my own expenses, without my kids feeling any change.

For me luxury wasn't all those nice shiny things....those things are dangerous. Because when you are on top, driving in your fancy new car, you tend to look to other people from above, feel superior.
To me, luxury was in little things, like buying good quality make up and cosmetics in duty free shops, getting my nails done by a proffessional, having a professional nanny instead putting my kids into nursery, having a household help who'll do the ironing while I can take my kids out to a park...etc.

Now I iron on a saturday morning, instead of meeting my friends for coffee or just go for a walk.
Now I clean my house while playing with kids.
My nails are now cut short, I dyed my hair myself yesterday (and forgot about it because I did it with Dominik running around, so it's really really dark now, lol) and well, lol....it's all fine.

You know, I used to listen to this Norah Jones song

-----
Carnival town

Round 'n' round Carousel
Has got you under it's spell
Moving so fast... but
Going nowhere
Up 'n' down Ferris wheel
Tell me how does it feel
To be so high...
Looking down here
Is it lonely?
Lonely Lonely Lonely

Did the clown
Make you smile
He was only your fool for a while
Now he's gone back home
And left you wandering there
Is it lonely?
Lonely Lonely Lonely
-------

It was.


And now I'd rather be on ground and walk with someone through a park, hand in hand....feel the ground and the dry leaves under me, his warm hand in mine, his warm look and smile meant just for me, and just being happy.

Wonderful week

I think this is the best week I had for a long long time now.

I just love each day, from the very morning when I wake up to the moment i go to bed.

Today I opened my eyes and saw Mark watching his little brother and asking me, mom, when will Dominik wake up? When we were all awake, we stayed a bit in bed and played, Mark took the sleeping bag off his brother, brought him toys, played with him.....seeing those two brothers love eachother so much warms my heart in ways hard to imagine....we're really happy all together, no fights, no friction, no bad moods in the morning.
I am in love.... :) with my two wonderful kids and with life itself, the world, and with the Universe for sending me really really great fantastic energy into my life and making me feel really really good.

Here are my kids. I'm proud of many things I've done in my life, but here are my two masterpieces.


Mark :)

And Dominik :)

My mom called me last night, she sounded so worried about me... well...she's been through a divorce (twice!) and last time it was really really bad for her, depressed for months so she's worrried how I'm doing.
I am not depressed at all....just tired sometimes like yesterday, when I ran home from the office, grocery shopping, going to the doctors with my kids, then putting them to sleep for 2 hours, and then cleaning the house.....
But I am happy. Very very happy. More happy than I could have imagined I would be without him in my life.

Of course, I worry sometimes a bit. I drastically changed my lifestyle. But I know I will manage.
And I actually look forward to taking care of me on my own now.
I am free.....nothing more worth than that.

Falling

Sometimes I ask myself, what's the point in all this. Sometimes I ask myself if my good and my really good times are just me kidding myself and pretending I'm fine.
Sometimes in days like these, I am really scared of falling on hard ground. What if all my safety nets just won't be able to hold me anymore?

My reality is brutal.
Vlado had the kids the whole week, and I hoped to see them for the weekend, but he said he'll bring them monday, since I had them all the time before. But today he called me from the car and said M. didn't want to come, he wanted to stay there in the house with his grandmother for another day.
I was angry at V. then I was just sad.
I was looking forward to seeing my kids, and my son not feeling the same hurt me.

Another thing which is concerning me, is my unability to finance myself all alone.
I am definitely spending more than I can afford. I have no idea what to do. I have to drastically change my lifestyle. This will probably hard. I am used to "not having to think about money". I always could afford pretty much everything I wanted. Now I have to cut my expenses, and live with it and accept it, money isn't the most important thing now.

The third thing is this stupid cold and grey weather, nothing I can look forward to. It snowed and I forced myself to go out for a walk. It's not a good idea to be alone and take a walk on sundays, since you'll see families spending time together, you'll see people going to their families for lunch, you'll see people buying cakes and flowers... and you'll see really really lonely people, sitting alone in bars and drinking.
terrible.
It dragged me down the whole thing, so I had to buy a really really turbo sweet pie in McDonalds with ice cream and chocolatte topping on it...it's a substitute for love, I know.
Sometimes this hole I have inside just screams and I see it's much much bigger than I sensed it is.

And then comes V. and digs into it...with such coldblooded cruelty.
He told me he doesn't see any point in me going to Prague. He's right....and I don't want to pretend I'm his partner anymore, and smile and chit chat with people....no point.
But taking travelling from me is hard. It's like a punishment.

I said I'd like to go to Cologne, even alone (well, I'd prefer to go there alone for that matter). He noted it. Well...we'll see. I'm just a bit down from everything and I know there's nothing which will take me out of it but time.
Lots of time.....

Autumn in Zagreb

Last beautiful and warm sunny days this year. Soon it will become winter, and a northern cold wind will bring clear blue sky but also freezing cold.

I was really thankful for these last few nice days in November, actually today felt like the end of winter, like if spring was in the air. I live near this huge park in Zg, it's 1 tram station away. I was there yesterday and today. Really grateful for living here all these years, really grateful just for being able to see it from my window, and look at it from my terrace. I took that SO MUCH for granted, like it will always be like that. So my advice today is: take everything, love and accept everything that comes your way. The not so good things of course, too....but those beautiful, fantastic things, adore like it's the last day you're enjoying in them. Since, one day it will definitely be the last day.

This week was fantastic, since V. is at the cruise and doesn't have network access, which is just fabulous, don't remember feeling this free for a long time now.
I realized, now that I gave up on the travelling, I have this one tie to him left... this place I live in.
I know I have to let it go (or find a way to pay for it on my own somehow, which is impossible since it costs more than I get paid monthly). I hate to let it go though.
Anyway...this is my lovely neighbourhood...in autumn. And you should see it in spring.

Taken this morning.

Sick and tired of...

...depressed entries.

Besides, why would I be depressed? I am still young (although, relative- ask a 7 year old and he'll say I'm ancient) I am helthy, I'm not really ugly or really fat, and I'm pretty smart.
I'm good at my job, I'm not the worst mother on Earth (although I sometimes think I'm in serious competition for that title) and my friends tell me I'm great. Yeah, I think I'm pretty good all in all.

So... why would I be depressed?
I'm not afraid of the future. I'm not ashamed of my past. I knew what I did and why I did it. I knew why I thought I need to give up myself so the other person would accept or love me.
I knew why I sacrificied all these years.
I don't regret a single thing.

Right now I have wonderful things happening to me. I get more than I asked for. I'm really happy and very very thankful for it.
I learned that I can have everything AND stay the true real person I am. No need to pretend to be another person so someone would just love me more. I just had to change that person, not myself and cut that person out of my life.

Feels good to breathe again. And to be really really happy, for no particular reason, but just existing.

Illusions

If I'd say: let everything in my life which isn't real, and which isn't meant to be aligned with the masterplan the universe has for me- collapse and disolve, would there be anything left in my life?

If I said, let just the truth remain, would there be anything left for me to see?

If I said, I'm ready to walk the hardest path in my life, but I wanna arrive at my goal at last, would I be tough enough to make it or would I just quit easily?

If I said, I want to learn what I need to learn, would the lessons be too hard for me to bear?

Would I choose the other pill, to continue living in an illusion instead seeing the truth and having to accept it?

Hard to say.

Illusions sometimes help us handle the truth. We're aware it's an illusion but we go on, since it's deceptive comfort and false security helps us face the hard facts of life.

it's a safety net. We choose to fall into it, just not to fall on the ground. But once we're ready, we can drop the net and jump of it to the ground. Land on our two feet. Remove the dirt and the dust from our clothes and walk away into sunset.

Bam!

That was me, hitting the ground.

I am totally dispersed in thousands of little fragments, like a bag of marbles all over the floor. I can't collect them... everything seems so sad, hopeless...
There's just the empty white fog, the moist and the cold, silence and emptiness, the "I am in this all alone" feeling.

My heart inside is trembling....
The wound is soul-deep.

Denying that won't help it heal. It is to the bone.I'm just trying to cover it up with some tissue.. but it doesn't really help.

I'm searching for a new place to live with my kids. And it breaks my heart to think that I'll have to move them from this wonderful place they're in now to some dump which I can afford. I've built a home for them here. I was the only one trying to make this place our home, since my ex never felt like home here.
It breaks my heart to have to leave it.

Geez. What is this lesson I have to learn?

This reminds me of my grandfather. I will tell you about him.
He was the wisest person I ever met. I was a kid when he told me his life story, and I don't remember it well, so I'll just tell you everything I know about him.

He said, he got rich three times, and lost everything three times.
He left his home very early, don't remember it but it was a sad story, something with his mother I think.

He was a pilot... an air force pilot. And once, he almost lost his job when he flew too low over the city, just to deliver flowers into his girlfriend's garden (he threw them out from the bomb compartment ;).

During the war, he lost his wife and two children which were killed in the concentration camp. He ended in a concentration camp too during WWII (his mother was jewish).
Being good at repairing things saved his life, since he repaired a radio to a german soldier, and he helped him escape.
He met my grandmother but he never married again. He went to Israel. My grandmother never forgave him.

He had an electrics shop in Israel, made good money, had a nice house there, almost got killed in a car accident when a tank hit his car (which wasn't that hard to find in Israel).

After he died his best friend took all the money from his account. So, I'd say, he lost everything 4 times, and I really hope he got up somewhere in another paralel way of existing.

Anyway...I remember one scene, as he was visiting us here and he told me to sit in front of him, and show him my hands...
and he said: "your fingers are a bit trembling, and you're still young". I've told you my life story and I've been to the top and to the bottom three times in my life. And look, my hands are still.

I just thought... wow.

And you know, I have his blood in me I feel it...
I don't mind hitting the ground. It's the endless falling which is so difficult to me.
Everytime I touch the ground, I use this to push myself away from it, and swim to the surface again.

Tomorrow is All Saint's day as we call it here. A day dedicated to the people who have left us.
I owe so much to my grandparents. I am so grateful for such great ancestors. They were so strong, they had so much energy, so much life in them, such a strong will...they were so intelligent and wise...

I wish I could hear their advice now.
I dedicate this post and this song to them.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbcltLf2VHo


To my grandfather who was the toughest men I ever met.
My grandmother who was the wisest and strongest minded person I ever met.
To my aunt who loved me a lot, who used to take me over for the weekend when I was a little girl and I had a great time drinking tea, pretending to be a dog and learning how to make soup.
To my other grandmother who I forgive everything she did to my mom, leaving her when she was a kid which resulted in my mom not knowing how to be a good mom, but always wanted to learn that.
To my best friends boyfriend, whom I learnt to accept just a year before he died, who taught me a lesson about what love should be like since he really loved my friend.
An ex boyfriend of mine, to which I say "I'm sorry for abandoning you".
And to my two dead dogs which meant the world to me, especially my irish setter "Kana" which I'll never forget and still recall every part of her beautiful coat, that is such a comforting thought.

I deeply believe that they exist in a way, and that on this day, the membrane between these two worlds is somehow thinner. So we connect.
I'll light up a candle tomorrow for all of them and thank them for everything.
And ask for their support.


Christina Aguilera
Hurt
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

tough

You could say, these are rough times for me. It's hard to be tough sometimes, I just wanna creep under my blanket and have someone to comfort me, like yesterday.
And when there's no one around, it's even harder. Then I learn that the person needs to be me alone in the first place, no running away from that or I'll just bump into the same old walls in life.

The sea of my life isn't nice and calm now. Waves are splashing into my face and I have to make a double effort to keep above the surface. I see nothing but the blue horizont around me and the sunlight blinding me, but not a single solid thing to hold onto, not even a buoy I can rest for a while and catch my breath.

I'm not swimming all alone, I have two beautiful, smart and gentle kids on my back, with their little hands put around my neck, and that keeps me going right now, I can't go down, not with them on my back, no.

I have faith in that I will be strong and tough enough to pass through these difficult times. I have always been in my life. I am able to face the facts and continue my life accepting things have changed.
I can't afford to look into my heart and cry with it, feel sorry for myself, feel abandoned and lost. I have to keep going.
I have to find a shore or an island, a ship or at least a raft... and build my life all new again.

So, no giving up dear Tanja... show the world what you are made off. The weak ones go down. Only the strongest survive. The law of evolution. Tough but true.