Wonderful week

I think this is the best week I had for a long long time now.

I just love each day, from the very morning when I wake up to the moment i go to bed.

Today I opened my eyes and saw Mark watching his little brother and asking me, mom, when will Dominik wake up? When we were all awake, we stayed a bit in bed and played, Mark took the sleeping bag off his brother, brought him toys, played with him.....seeing those two brothers love eachother so much warms my heart in ways hard to imagine....we're really happy all together, no fights, no friction, no bad moods in the morning.
I am in love.... :) with my two wonderful kids and with life itself, the world, and with the Universe for sending me really really great fantastic energy into my life and making me feel really really good.

Here are my kids. I'm proud of many things I've done in my life, but here are my two masterpieces.


Mark :)

And Dominik :)

My mom called me last night, she sounded so worried about me... well...she's been through a divorce (twice!) and last time it was really really bad for her, depressed for months so she's worrried how I'm doing.
I am not depressed at all....just tired sometimes like yesterday, when I ran home from the office, grocery shopping, going to the doctors with my kids, then putting them to sleep for 2 hours, and then cleaning the house.....
But I am happy. Very very happy. More happy than I could have imagined I would be without him in my life.

Of course, I worry sometimes a bit. I drastically changed my lifestyle. But I know I will manage.
And I actually look forward to taking care of me on my own now.
I am free.....nothing more worth than that.

Falling

Sometimes I ask myself, what's the point in all this. Sometimes I ask myself if my good and my really good times are just me kidding myself and pretending I'm fine.
Sometimes in days like these, I am really scared of falling on hard ground. What if all my safety nets just won't be able to hold me anymore?

My reality is brutal.
Vlado had the kids the whole week, and I hoped to see them for the weekend, but he said he'll bring them monday, since I had them all the time before. But today he called me from the car and said M. didn't want to come, he wanted to stay there in the house with his grandmother for another day.
I was angry at V. then I was just sad.
I was looking forward to seeing my kids, and my son not feeling the same hurt me.

Another thing which is concerning me, is my unability to finance myself all alone.
I am definitely spending more than I can afford. I have no idea what to do. I have to drastically change my lifestyle. This will probably hard. I am used to "not having to think about money". I always could afford pretty much everything I wanted. Now I have to cut my expenses, and live with it and accept it, money isn't the most important thing now.

The third thing is this stupid cold and grey weather, nothing I can look forward to. It snowed and I forced myself to go out for a walk. It's not a good idea to be alone and take a walk on sundays, since you'll see families spending time together, you'll see people going to their families for lunch, you'll see people buying cakes and flowers... and you'll see really really lonely people, sitting alone in bars and drinking.
terrible.
It dragged me down the whole thing, so I had to buy a really really turbo sweet pie in McDonalds with ice cream and chocolatte topping on it...it's a substitute for love, I know.
Sometimes this hole I have inside just screams and I see it's much much bigger than I sensed it is.

And then comes V. and digs into it...with such coldblooded cruelty.
He told me he doesn't see any point in me going to Prague. He's right....and I don't want to pretend I'm his partner anymore, and smile and chit chat with people....no point.
But taking travelling from me is hard. It's like a punishment.

I said I'd like to go to Cologne, even alone (well, I'd prefer to go there alone for that matter). He noted it. Well...we'll see. I'm just a bit down from everything and I know there's nothing which will take me out of it but time.
Lots of time.....

Autumn in Zagreb

Last beautiful and warm sunny days this year. Soon it will become winter, and a northern cold wind will bring clear blue sky but also freezing cold.

I was really thankful for these last few nice days in November, actually today felt like the end of winter, like if spring was in the air. I live near this huge park in Zg, it's 1 tram station away. I was there yesterday and today. Really grateful for living here all these years, really grateful just for being able to see it from my window, and look at it from my terrace. I took that SO MUCH for granted, like it will always be like that. So my advice today is: take everything, love and accept everything that comes your way. The not so good things of course, too....but those beautiful, fantastic things, adore like it's the last day you're enjoying in them. Since, one day it will definitely be the last day.

This week was fantastic, since V. is at the cruise and doesn't have network access, which is just fabulous, don't remember feeling this free for a long time now.
I realized, now that I gave up on the travelling, I have this one tie to him left... this place I live in.
I know I have to let it go (or find a way to pay for it on my own somehow, which is impossible since it costs more than I get paid monthly). I hate to let it go though.
Anyway...this is my lovely neighbourhood...in autumn. And you should see it in spring.

Taken this morning.

Sick and tired of...

...depressed entries.

Besides, why would I be depressed? I am still young (although, relative- ask a 7 year old and he'll say I'm ancient) I am helthy, I'm not really ugly or really fat, and I'm pretty smart.
I'm good at my job, I'm not the worst mother on Earth (although I sometimes think I'm in serious competition for that title) and my friends tell me I'm great. Yeah, I think I'm pretty good all in all.

So... why would I be depressed?
I'm not afraid of the future. I'm not ashamed of my past. I knew what I did and why I did it. I knew why I thought I need to give up myself so the other person would accept or love me.
I knew why I sacrificied all these years.
I don't regret a single thing.

Right now I have wonderful things happening to me. I get more than I asked for. I'm really happy and very very thankful for it.
I learned that I can have everything AND stay the true real person I am. No need to pretend to be another person so someone would just love me more. I just had to change that person, not myself and cut that person out of my life.

Feels good to breathe again. And to be really really happy, for no particular reason, but just existing.

Illusions

If I'd say: let everything in my life which isn't real, and which isn't meant to be aligned with the masterplan the universe has for me- collapse and disolve, would there be anything left in my life?

If I said, let just the truth remain, would there be anything left for me to see?

If I said, I'm ready to walk the hardest path in my life, but I wanna arrive at my goal at last, would I be tough enough to make it or would I just quit easily?

If I said, I want to learn what I need to learn, would the lessons be too hard for me to bear?

Would I choose the other pill, to continue living in an illusion instead seeing the truth and having to accept it?

Hard to say.

Illusions sometimes help us handle the truth. We're aware it's an illusion but we go on, since it's deceptive comfort and false security helps us face the hard facts of life.

it's a safety net. We choose to fall into it, just not to fall on the ground. But once we're ready, we can drop the net and jump of it to the ground. Land on our two feet. Remove the dirt and the dust from our clothes and walk away into sunset.