Falling

Sometimes I ask myself, what's the point in all this. Sometimes I ask myself if my good and my really good times are just me kidding myself and pretending I'm fine.
Sometimes in days like these, I am really scared of falling on hard ground. What if all my safety nets just won't be able to hold me anymore?

My reality is brutal.
Vlado had the kids the whole week, and I hoped to see them for the weekend, but he said he'll bring them monday, since I had them all the time before. But today he called me from the car and said M. didn't want to come, he wanted to stay there in the house with his grandmother for another day.
I was angry at V. then I was just sad.
I was looking forward to seeing my kids, and my son not feeling the same hurt me.

Another thing which is concerning me, is my unability to finance myself all alone.
I am definitely spending more than I can afford. I have no idea what to do. I have to drastically change my lifestyle. This will probably hard. I am used to "not having to think about money". I always could afford pretty much everything I wanted. Now I have to cut my expenses, and live with it and accept it, money isn't the most important thing now.

The third thing is this stupid cold and grey weather, nothing I can look forward to. It snowed and I forced myself to go out for a walk. It's not a good idea to be alone and take a walk on sundays, since you'll see families spending time together, you'll see people going to their families for lunch, you'll see people buying cakes and flowers... and you'll see really really lonely people, sitting alone in bars and drinking.
terrible.
It dragged me down the whole thing, so I had to buy a really really turbo sweet pie in McDonalds with ice cream and chocolatte topping on it...it's a substitute for love, I know.
Sometimes this hole I have inside just screams and I see it's much much bigger than I sensed it is.

And then comes V. and digs into it...with such coldblooded cruelty.
He told me he doesn't see any point in me going to Prague. He's right....and I don't want to pretend I'm his partner anymore, and smile and chit chat with people....no point.
But taking travelling from me is hard. It's like a punishment.

I said I'd like to go to Cologne, even alone (well, I'd prefer to go there alone for that matter). He noted it. Well...we'll see. I'm just a bit down from everything and I know there's nothing which will take me out of it but time.
Lots of time.....