That was me, hitting the ground.
I am totally dispersed in thousands of little fragments, like a bag of marbles all over the floor. I can't collect them... everything seems so sad, hopeless...
There's just the empty white fog, the moist and the cold, silence and emptiness, the "I am in this all alone" feeling.
My heart inside is trembling....
The wound is soul-deep.
Denying that won't help it heal. It is to the bone.I'm just trying to cover it up with some tissue.. but it doesn't really help.
I'm searching for a new place to live with my kids. And it breaks my heart to think that I'll have to move them from this wonderful place they're in now to some dump which I can afford. I've built a home for them here. I was the only one trying to make this place our home, since my ex never felt like home here.
It breaks my heart to have to leave it.
Geez. What is this lesson I have to learn?
This reminds me of my grandfather. I will tell you about him.
He was the wisest person I ever met. I was a kid when he told me his life story, and I don't remember it well, so I'll just tell you everything I know about him.
He said, he got rich three times, and lost everything three times.
He left his home very early, don't remember it but it was a sad story, something with his mother I think.
He was a pilot... an air force pilot. And once, he almost lost his job when he flew too low over the city, just to deliver flowers into his girlfriend's garden (he threw them out from the bomb compartment ;).
During the war, he lost his wife and two children which were killed in the concentration camp. He ended in a concentration camp too during WWII (his mother was jewish).
Being good at repairing things saved his life, since he repaired a radio to a german soldier, and he helped him escape.
He met my grandmother but he never married again. He went to Israel. My grandmother never forgave him.
He had an electrics shop in Israel, made good money, had a nice house there, almost got killed in a car accident when a tank hit his car (which wasn't that hard to find in Israel).
After he died his best friend took all the money from his account. So, I'd say, he lost everything 4 times, and I really hope he got up somewhere in another paralel way of existing.
Anyway...I remember one scene, as he was visiting us here and he told me to sit in front of him, and show him my hands...
and he said: "your fingers are a bit trembling, and you're still young". I've told you my life story and I've been to the top and to the bottom three times in my life. And look, my hands are still.
I just thought... wow.
And you know, I have his blood in me I feel it...
I don't mind hitting the ground. It's the endless falling which is so difficult to me.
Everytime I touch the ground, I use this to push myself away from it, and swim to the surface again.
Tomorrow is All Saint's day as we call it here. A day dedicated to the people who have left us.
I owe so much to my grandparents. I am so grateful for such great ancestors. They were so strong, they had so much energy, so much life in them, such a strong will...they were so intelligent and wise...
I wish I could hear their advice now.
I dedicate this post and this song to them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbcltLf2VHo
To my grandfather who was the toughest men I ever met.
My grandmother who was the wisest and strongest minded person I ever met.
To my aunt who loved me a lot, who used to take me over for the weekend when I was a little girl and I had a great time drinking tea, pretending to be a dog and learning how to make soup.
To my other grandmother who I forgive everything she did to my mom, leaving her when she was a kid which resulted in my mom not knowing how to be a good mom, but always wanted to learn that.
To my best friends boyfriend, whom I learnt to accept just a year before he died, who taught me a lesson about what love should be like since he really loved my friend.
An ex boyfriend of mine, to which I say "I'm sorry for abandoning you".
And to my two dead dogs which meant the world to me, especially my irish setter "Kana" which I'll never forget and still recall every part of her beautiful coat, that is such a comforting thought.
I deeply believe that they exist in a way, and that on this day, the membrane between these two worlds is somehow thinner. So we connect.
I'll light up a candle tomorrow for all of them and thank them for everything.
And ask for their support.
Christina Aguilera
Hurt
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away
Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you
srijeda, 31. listopada 2007.
nedjelja, 28. listopada 2007.
tough
You could say, these are rough times for me. It's hard to be tough sometimes, I just wanna creep under my blanket and have someone to comfort me, like yesterday.
And when there's no one around, it's even harder. Then I learn that the person needs to be me alone in the first place, no running away from that or I'll just bump into the same old walls in life.
The sea of my life isn't nice and calm now. Waves are splashing into my face and I have to make a double effort to keep above the surface. I see nothing but the blue horizont around me and the sunlight blinding me, but not a single solid thing to hold onto, not even a buoy I can rest for a while and catch my breath.
I'm not swimming all alone, I have two beautiful, smart and gentle kids on my back, with their little hands put around my neck, and that keeps me going right now, I can't go down, not with them on my back, no.
I have faith in that I will be strong and tough enough to pass through these difficult times. I have always been in my life. I am able to face the facts and continue my life accepting things have changed.
I can't afford to look into my heart and cry with it, feel sorry for myself, feel abandoned and lost. I have to keep going.
I have to find a shore or an island, a ship or at least a raft... and build my life all new again.
So, no giving up dear Tanja... show the world what you are made off. The weak ones go down. Only the strongest survive. The law of evolution. Tough but true.
And when there's no one around, it's even harder. Then I learn that the person needs to be me alone in the first place, no running away from that or I'll just bump into the same old walls in life.
The sea of my life isn't nice and calm now. Waves are splashing into my face and I have to make a double effort to keep above the surface. I see nothing but the blue horizont around me and the sunlight blinding me, but not a single solid thing to hold onto, not even a buoy I can rest for a while and catch my breath.
I'm not swimming all alone, I have two beautiful, smart and gentle kids on my back, with their little hands put around my neck, and that keeps me going right now, I can't go down, not with them on my back, no.
I have faith in that I will be strong and tough enough to pass through these difficult times. I have always been in my life. I am able to face the facts and continue my life accepting things have changed.
I can't afford to look into my heart and cry with it, feel sorry for myself, feel abandoned and lost. I have to keep going.
I have to find a shore or an island, a ship or at least a raft... and build my life all new again.
So, no giving up dear Tanja... show the world what you are made off. The weak ones go down. Only the strongest survive. The law of evolution. Tough but true.
petak, 26. listopada 2007.
October
October is for me always a busy month. First, that event we have at the beginning of it, then that business/holliday travel to Turkey each year, and 10 days after we come back, we go to this incentive travel, to a special place in the world. I am bored in the office today, and the weather is just awful, so I'll take out some vacation photos if you don't mind and paste them here. No one can take away these memories from me.
When I started to work in my firm, the first place my boss went to was Rio. He didn't like it at all. I knew I would have liked it.
A year after that, he thought about taking me with him, but unfortunately he didn't. They went to South Africa. Cape town, Suncity, Johanesburg, Pretoria...*sigh*
The year after that, 2001, I went on my first cruise, with a beautiful sailing ship Royal Clipper from Barbados to Martinique. It was just awesome. Here's a picture of the ship I took from a tender boat.
Nice, huh? Yeah, I take good photos, lol.
A year after that we went to Bangkok in Thailand. I was pregnant then and it was very interesting, although I didn't like the air there, all that traffic congestion, all those smells on the street etc. But it was good, seeing how people can be happy living in such conditions, being modest and humble.
Oh, and I'll always remember a perfect foot massage for ca 5 euros? and great, great shopping. I also bought my unborn son a xmas gift, a toy giraffe. :)
The next trip I missed, since my son was too small. It was a Club Med2 cruise in the meditteranean (Cannes, Capri, Corsica etc). It was nice, so I've heard. Well, the main boss of the company wanted both me and my baby M. to go with them on the cruise when he heard I didn't want to leave him since he was so satisfied how I managed the event before. It was flattering, but unfortunately, the stupid sailing company doesn't allow kids on board. Grrrr. SO I stayed home.
The year after that, 2004 we went to Cuba. I expected a lot from Cuba, but I have to say, Cuba looks way more interesting on the film that it is in real. Havana is just awfully smelling (from those ancient cars, not sure what fuel they put into them but it's nothing healthy in there), the people there are really poor (and no, not as happy as Castro likes to present them). The food is terrible (even in this luxury hotels it's just average) and since I'm pretty socially sensitive, I didn't like it.
We had young men on the street wanting to trade cigars for sneakers. And yes, they've heard about expensive brands, obviously. And I went to their local store and saw the stuff they can buy. Just terrible, plastic shoes etc.
What I liked is a visit to the cigar factory, where they have one person employed for reading the newspapers to the others while they work. Oh, and we were to the Havana Club rum distillery too. And to the famous tropicana show. And we drove with all possible vehicles in Havana. Various oldtimers (I most enjoyed a fantastic cabriolet drive through all Havanna, while huge waves were splashing the street), horse carriage, tuk-tuk thingy -that yellow funny vehicle, cubanese train and bus). Let's see if I can find some pictures.
The last one is taken in Varadero. Nothing special to mention about Varadero.... a luxury resort and some carribean flair. I bet all Cuba will look like that when Castro goes away.
Oh, except that we saw Lucky Luciano's villa. And that I wanted to go horseback riding on the beach and swimming with the dolphins. But I didn't. :(
My ex said I'm not supposed to leave the group and I didnt' leave the group. So stupid of me, I should have just left the hotel and pay for the excursion instead of staying in the hotel and watch the rain.
He always did this to me. Prevented my inner true self wishes come true.
Well, I never regret something I did in my life, just the things I didn't do. That is just one example of it.
Okay... next year it was Thailand and Malaysia. A fantastic cruise with the sailing ship Star Flyer. And I was again pregnant with my younger son. It was awesome. The only bad thing is that my older son which stayed with his grandma was really ill, had this bad virus with really bad cough, fever and vomiting. I worried a lot and I didn't enjoy it as much. I remember one night talking to his aunt on the phone since grandma was on the way to the pediatrician with M. and the aunt said following: "I'm telling you, Tanja, believe me, M. is not at all doing good.
AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
And I was there, on a ship, in the middle of the ocean, it was midnight there (2 PM in Europe) and what was I supposed to do??? Jump into the ocean and swim? Call for a helicopter?
So I called the doctor. And she told me everything is okay, that she just examined him and everything will be alright.
I'll never forget that feeling of not being able to do anything but worry and feel bad for going.
The cruise itself was interesting. We went from Phuket (which was a bit weird, going there after the tsunami) to some thai islands, and to Langkawi in Malaysia. You'll probably recognize the James Bond island too.
this is the Star Flyer. A beauty. Sailing at its most luxurious way.
Well... then my son was born. And I missed another trip. Aaaa... and it was Argentina and Brasil- Buenos Aires and Rio de Janeiro.
And I didn't go to Rio. Again. :(
This year we're going with the club med2 to the carribean. Well, I guess I'm going. Not sure, since my ex doesn't want me to go. He always had a great talent to prevent me doing things I really wanted to do. And if I go, I guess this will be my final trip.
Which is funny, since the Carribean was my first and obviously my last one. It's a nice closure. And I hope I will be able to afford some great destinations in the future.
I want to go to S. Africa, Rio, NYC, Sydney, Dubai, Tanzania, Japan perhaps and Canada and Alaska.
And in Europe, I've never been to Scandinavia, Portugal and Ireland (ok, also not to Bulgaria, Ukraine and Albania but I don't intend to, anyway) I've been to Malta though, does this count? lol
I would like to do a cruise from Amsterdam to Stockholm, Oslo, Helsinki, St Petersburg and Kopenhagen. But it's expensive, and getting more expensive each year Well, some day, perhaps.
Why am I writting this? Well..it's raining outside... the autumn in it's full colours. I'm bored at work. I'm trying to think about something else, remember good times, sun and the beautiful tirquise water. The white sand under my feet. The feeling of freedom when sailing and looking at the ocean on the horizont.
As for luxury... well...I've had my fair share of it, I admit. I've slept in best hotels, tasted best foods, champagne, wine, flew business class, had 1st class treatment. But I've never allowed that to define me. Nor to change me. And those are things I am proud about myself. That from what I've heard, I remained normal (I have a special friend whos assignment was to warn me if I ever start acting like Paris H.).
But you know... it's just things.
The truth is, in all these years, I didn't feel appreciated and loved for what I am. I felt as an accessoire to my ex. And as a mother, and a maid, and a cook and a mistress. But never accepted as the person I really was.
I changed because of him.
I lost contact to my inner child, my sense of humour, my inner true self. I deliberately cut out all my spirituality (and I was a totally spiritual person before I met him, I had all the answers and was totally happy just for existing).
I lost contact with people I used to be with, I lost contact with my past. With my roots. With things I liked to do. I felt bad when I did something just for myself, like playing computer games which was always something I liked to do since it relaxed me. He said I'm acting like a teenager. So I played when he's not around.
I learned how to do "small talk" with people. Which I HATE!
I like really talking to people, sharing what I feel. The first voyage I've been to, I did that, I was a bit myself.. and people liked it, they said it was refreshing.
The years which followed, I did nothing but small talk. Commented the weather, hotel, cruise, blah blah.
So, the price I paid for this luxurious life was high.
I sometimes have a feeling I sold myself.
I sacrificed my true self for the happiness of my kids and for this golden cage I lived in. I thought, I will commit and stay with him for the rest of my life. He is not ideal but he's okay.
He is a good person within although he sometimes doesn't act like one, he is a great father when he has the time for our kids, besides, I don't wanna ruin the future of my kids, destroy our family (I've been through the divorce of my parents and it has marked me for the rest of my life, but I was 11, a very difficult age for a divorce)
You know, it's not daily life which made me notice this is not what I was looking for.
It's the hollidays like Christmas and Easter when I noticed we aren't a real family, just two people put together and having kids together. I've had my image of how hollidays should be like and he had his.
Although we have much in common, we are totally different.
And since I'm a tolerant and open minded person, I accepted him.
And since he's rigid, stubborn and sooo sure of himself being right all the time and just HIS way being the right way, he never accepted me. He wanted to change me and when he didn't change me completely, he gave up.
For example, he had this image of his wife not working at all, but being home with the kids. And I didn't want that, I said I didn't go to school for 17 years to watch the laundry being washed all day, so I worked part time. Imagine how lost would I feel now if I didn't have my job? He would have me even more dependant than he has me now. I wasn't happy, and I cried pretty much all day.
I tried to reach him, tried to get some tender loving care, some warmth from him, but he was pretty distant and cold to me. I felt rejected and cried very often.
When my ex saw my unhappiness, after I said I wish he would work less and have more time for me and the kids, he said that his job is allowing us that life we were living, and asked me if I'd prefer to be with a bus driver for example, living in a small flat, not knowing how to pay my bills.
Deep within I thought: if he would make me happy, if he would love me like I was the most precious thing on Earth, if he would make me feel good because I'm just being myself, if he would be a loving man and a father: YES!!!
But I think I can have both. Both a comfortable life not worrying about money and a wonderful man by my side.
I think I can be a spiritual true self and live in a material world.
For more than 7 years, I've lived a material life, being totally grounded.
7 years before that, I lived a totally spiritual life, being happy from within although I didn't have much (I was a student).
I think, these 7 years which will follow are the years of atuning. Balancing. Being happy again for being the person I am.
I need to find the road I left when I met him, continue on that path with all the experience I have now.
I look forward to the journey.
And as of the Carribean... that journey isn't that much important to me anymore.
When I started to work in my firm, the first place my boss went to was Rio. He didn't like it at all. I knew I would have liked it.
A year after that, he thought about taking me with him, but unfortunately he didn't. They went to South Africa. Cape town, Suncity, Johanesburg, Pretoria...*sigh*
The year after that, 2001, I went on my first cruise, with a beautiful sailing ship Royal Clipper from Barbados to Martinique. It was just awesome. Here's a picture of the ship I took from a tender boat.
Nice, huh? Yeah, I take good photos, lol.
A year after that we went to Bangkok in Thailand. I was pregnant then and it was very interesting, although I didn't like the air there, all that traffic congestion, all those smells on the street etc. But it was good, seeing how people can be happy living in such conditions, being modest and humble.
Oh, and I'll always remember a perfect foot massage for ca 5 euros? and great, great shopping. I also bought my unborn son a xmas gift, a toy giraffe. :)
The next trip I missed, since my son was too small. It was a Club Med2 cruise in the meditteranean (Cannes, Capri, Corsica etc). It was nice, so I've heard. Well, the main boss of the company wanted both me and my baby M. to go with them on the cruise when he heard I didn't want to leave him since he was so satisfied how I managed the event before. It was flattering, but unfortunately, the stupid sailing company doesn't allow kids on board. Grrrr. SO I stayed home.
The year after that, 2004 we went to Cuba. I expected a lot from Cuba, but I have to say, Cuba looks way more interesting on the film that it is in real. Havana is just awfully smelling (from those ancient cars, not sure what fuel they put into them but it's nothing healthy in there), the people there are really poor (and no, not as happy as Castro likes to present them). The food is terrible (even in this luxury hotels it's just average) and since I'm pretty socially sensitive, I didn't like it.
We had young men on the street wanting to trade cigars for sneakers. And yes, they've heard about expensive brands, obviously. And I went to their local store and saw the stuff they can buy. Just terrible, plastic shoes etc.
What I liked is a visit to the cigar factory, where they have one person employed for reading the newspapers to the others while they work. Oh, and we were to the Havana Club rum distillery too. And to the famous tropicana show. And we drove with all possible vehicles in Havana. Various oldtimers (I most enjoyed a fantastic cabriolet drive through all Havanna, while huge waves were splashing the street), horse carriage, tuk-tuk thingy -that yellow funny vehicle, cubanese train and bus). Let's see if I can find some pictures.
The last one is taken in Varadero. Nothing special to mention about Varadero.... a luxury resort and some carribean flair. I bet all Cuba will look like that when Castro goes away.
Oh, except that we saw Lucky Luciano's villa. And that I wanted to go horseback riding on the beach and swimming with the dolphins. But I didn't. :(
My ex said I'm not supposed to leave the group and I didnt' leave the group. So stupid of me, I should have just left the hotel and pay for the excursion instead of staying in the hotel and watch the rain.
He always did this to me. Prevented my inner true self wishes come true.
Well, I never regret something I did in my life, just the things I didn't do. That is just one example of it.
Okay... next year it was Thailand and Malaysia. A fantastic cruise with the sailing ship Star Flyer. And I was again pregnant with my younger son. It was awesome. The only bad thing is that my older son which stayed with his grandma was really ill, had this bad virus with really bad cough, fever and vomiting. I worried a lot and I didn't enjoy it as much. I remember one night talking to his aunt on the phone since grandma was on the way to the pediatrician with M. and the aunt said following: "I'm telling you, Tanja, believe me, M. is not at all doing good.
AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
And I was there, on a ship, in the middle of the ocean, it was midnight there (2 PM in Europe) and what was I supposed to do??? Jump into the ocean and swim? Call for a helicopter?
So I called the doctor. And she told me everything is okay, that she just examined him and everything will be alright.
I'll never forget that feeling of not being able to do anything but worry and feel bad for going.
The cruise itself was interesting. We went from Phuket (which was a bit weird, going there after the tsunami) to some thai islands, and to Langkawi in Malaysia. You'll probably recognize the James Bond island too.
this is the Star Flyer. A beauty. Sailing at its most luxurious way.
Well... then my son was born. And I missed another trip. Aaaa... and it was Argentina and Brasil- Buenos Aires and Rio de Janeiro.
And I didn't go to Rio. Again. :(
This year we're going with the club med2 to the carribean. Well, I guess I'm going. Not sure, since my ex doesn't want me to go. He always had a great talent to prevent me doing things I really wanted to do. And if I go, I guess this will be my final trip.
Which is funny, since the Carribean was my first and obviously my last one. It's a nice closure. And I hope I will be able to afford some great destinations in the future.
I want to go to S. Africa, Rio, NYC, Sydney, Dubai, Tanzania, Japan perhaps and Canada and Alaska.
And in Europe, I've never been to Scandinavia, Portugal and Ireland (ok, also not to Bulgaria, Ukraine and Albania but I don't intend to, anyway) I've been to Malta though, does this count? lol
I would like to do a cruise from Amsterdam to Stockholm, Oslo, Helsinki, St Petersburg and Kopenhagen. But it's expensive, and getting more expensive each year Well, some day, perhaps.
Why am I writting this? Well..it's raining outside... the autumn in it's full colours. I'm bored at work. I'm trying to think about something else, remember good times, sun and the beautiful tirquise water. The white sand under my feet. The feeling of freedom when sailing and looking at the ocean on the horizont.
As for luxury... well...I've had my fair share of it, I admit. I've slept in best hotels, tasted best foods, champagne, wine, flew business class, had 1st class treatment. But I've never allowed that to define me. Nor to change me. And those are things I am proud about myself. That from what I've heard, I remained normal (I have a special friend whos assignment was to warn me if I ever start acting like Paris H.).
But you know... it's just things.
The truth is, in all these years, I didn't feel appreciated and loved for what I am. I felt as an accessoire to my ex. And as a mother, and a maid, and a cook and a mistress. But never accepted as the person I really was.
I changed because of him.
I lost contact to my inner child, my sense of humour, my inner true self. I deliberately cut out all my spirituality (and I was a totally spiritual person before I met him, I had all the answers and was totally happy just for existing).
I lost contact with people I used to be with, I lost contact with my past. With my roots. With things I liked to do. I felt bad when I did something just for myself, like playing computer games which was always something I liked to do since it relaxed me. He said I'm acting like a teenager. So I played when he's not around.
I learned how to do "small talk" with people. Which I HATE!
I like really talking to people, sharing what I feel. The first voyage I've been to, I did that, I was a bit myself.. and people liked it, they said it was refreshing.
The years which followed, I did nothing but small talk. Commented the weather, hotel, cruise, blah blah.
So, the price I paid for this luxurious life was high.
I sometimes have a feeling I sold myself.
I sacrificed my true self for the happiness of my kids and for this golden cage I lived in. I thought, I will commit and stay with him for the rest of my life. He is not ideal but he's okay.
He is a good person within although he sometimes doesn't act like one, he is a great father when he has the time for our kids, besides, I don't wanna ruin the future of my kids, destroy our family (I've been through the divorce of my parents and it has marked me for the rest of my life, but I was 11, a very difficult age for a divorce)
You know, it's not daily life which made me notice this is not what I was looking for.
It's the hollidays like Christmas and Easter when I noticed we aren't a real family, just two people put together and having kids together. I've had my image of how hollidays should be like and he had his.
Although we have much in common, we are totally different.
And since I'm a tolerant and open minded person, I accepted him.
And since he's rigid, stubborn and sooo sure of himself being right all the time and just HIS way being the right way, he never accepted me. He wanted to change me and when he didn't change me completely, he gave up.
For example, he had this image of his wife not working at all, but being home with the kids. And I didn't want that, I said I didn't go to school for 17 years to watch the laundry being washed all day, so I worked part time. Imagine how lost would I feel now if I didn't have my job? He would have me even more dependant than he has me now. I wasn't happy, and I cried pretty much all day.
I tried to reach him, tried to get some tender loving care, some warmth from him, but he was pretty distant and cold to me. I felt rejected and cried very often.
When my ex saw my unhappiness, after I said I wish he would work less and have more time for me and the kids, he said that his job is allowing us that life we were living, and asked me if I'd prefer to be with a bus driver for example, living in a small flat, not knowing how to pay my bills.
Deep within I thought: if he would make me happy, if he would love me like I was the most precious thing on Earth, if he would make me feel good because I'm just being myself, if he would be a loving man and a father: YES!!!
But I think I can have both. Both a comfortable life not worrying about money and a wonderful man by my side.
I think I can be a spiritual true self and live in a material world.
For more than 7 years, I've lived a material life, being totally grounded.
7 years before that, I lived a totally spiritual life, being happy from within although I didn't have much (I was a student).
I think, these 7 years which will follow are the years of atuning. Balancing. Being happy again for being the person I am.
I need to find the road I left when I met him, continue on that path with all the experience I have now.
I look forward to the journey.
And as of the Carribean... that journey isn't that much important to me anymore.
utorak, 23. listopada 2007.
As promised
Since you read my journal which I wrote day by day, I put on some pics I took with my phone too, to illustrate the story.
So, we came to the hotel at midnight and went to sleep. So this is what I saw when I woke up. The hotel resort is really nice.
The beach
Me at the beach
enjoying my coffee break (i had to put this on photo, since the coffee arrives under that silver thingy. And the "rahat lokum" sweet thing which they put next to it you just can't resist.
Found a nice place after that and I did just doing nothing for a change
But then after those couple of really nice days the rain came and I took a walk on the beach after the rain
Yeah, I guess I'm standing on a crossroad
But even after the heaviest storm the sky will clear up again
So, we came to the hotel at midnight and went to sleep. So this is what I saw when I woke up. The hotel resort is really nice.
The beach
Me at the beach
enjoying my coffee break (i had to put this on photo, since the coffee arrives under that silver thingy. And the "rahat lokum" sweet thing which they put next to it you just can't resist.
Found a nice place after that and I did just doing nothing for a change
But then after those couple of really nice days the rain came and I took a walk on the beach after the rain
Yeah, I guess I'm standing on a crossroad
But even after the heaviest storm the sky will clear up again
subota, 20. listopada 2007.
Lölölöl
The turkısh people lıvıng ın Turkey are really nıce. When I fırst came to Turkey two years ago I was a bıt sceptıc. But I thınk those turkısh people we are used to seeıng ın western europe countrıes don't represent theır country at all.
The people here are very frıendly, they smıle a lot and they seem to be honest and really good hearted. I feel really great, they treat me lıke a prıncess here. And that feels good for a change!
I had 5 waıters runnıng around for me just to get me a BIG bottle of watter ınstead of lıttle ones. They are so polıte and never pushy.
Ok except perhaps for that watersports guy who wanted to rıde me around ın hıs boat and gıve me free parasaılıng each day, just so he can look ınto my blue eyes whıch he doesn't see often and they remınd hım at the sea. And he was born near the sea. ROFL. Such bad lıers, they are. lol.
But they are also very funny.
I've been tryıng to edıt my prevıous post and the modem dıdn't work well.. the connectıon got lost every mınute. So annoyıng.
So the guy came and he unplugged the modem and turned on the aır condıtıon (!!!) and held ıt up there for few mınutes to cool ıt down. Such a funny sıght!!!
I started to lol. Or better löl.
It was hıllarıous. And ıt worked. Modem seems fıne agaın.
Have a great day!
The people here are very frıendly, they smıle a lot and they seem to be honest and really good hearted. I feel really great, they treat me lıke a prıncess here. And that feels good for a change!
I had 5 waıters runnıng around for me just to get me a BIG bottle of watter ınstead of lıttle ones. They are so polıte and never pushy.
Ok except perhaps for that watersports guy who wanted to rıde me around ın hıs boat and gıve me free parasaılıng each day, just so he can look ınto my blue eyes whıch he doesn't see often and they remınd hım at the sea. And he was born near the sea. ROFL. Such bad lıers, they are. lol.
But they are also very funny.
I've been tryıng to edıt my prevıous post and the modem dıdn't work well.. the connectıon got lost every mınute. So annoyıng.
So the guy came and he unplugged the modem and turned on the aır condıtıon (!!!) and held ıt up there for few mınutes to cool ıt down. Such a funny sıght!!!
I started to lol. Or better löl.
It was hıllarıous. And ıt worked. Modem seems fıne agaın.
Have a great day!
ponedjeljak, 15. listopada 2007.
A bit sad...
Today was a lovely day actually. I was filled with joy and happiness, loving the sun on my skin, loving the city I live in, loving everyone actually.
I got used to doing things alone. I got used to being with my kids alone. I got used to do grocery shopping alone with two toddlers, one running around and the other one saying he really really has to go to the bathroom.
I got used to being just the three of us now in the car, we turn up the music and sing and just act foolish. We listen to the Lord of the dance and we stomp our feet, clap and sing to it.
I got used to being alone on my evenings. I don't mind all of that.
But tonight, my ex came to visit the kids after he finished work at 8pm. I had just started the bedtime routine when he called. It was painful for all of us I think.
For me it was painful to see how my older son really misses his dad. How he kept asking him to sleep here instead going to his house.
My ex replied that mommy and daddy made such an agreement, but M. didn't take that for an answer.
It was painful to me to see the younger one opening his little hands towards him, wanting his daddy to carry him. It was painful to see how gentle and loving my ex was to my kids.
He always was a great dad, but today it was really painful to watch. It was like watching a perfect family picture but knowing it's not perfect, nor family. Just a picture that is falling apart again.
When he drove away, I put the kids to bed, and lied in the dark, silently crying, carefully watching so my son wouldn't notice it.
Why I cried?
Dunno. I guess it would be a bit ackward if I wouldn't cry. When I look at my ex,it sometimes hurts. Because I see a man whom I still love. I will always love him in a very special way. But I'm not in love with him anymore.
I've never spent so much time with someone and still respecting him, and I never felt that I could get old with someone without getting bored of that person but with him.
So, realising that dream is gone, realising things have changed, realising we will not be a happy family is painful. I think I was dealing with it really good so far. I moved on, at least a big part of me did.
I can allow myself to slip back to feeling pain when my kids are in pain.
It hurts to see M. asking about his dad.
And it makes me sad.I'm not at all sad because of me. I'm sad because of my kids.
I'm not desperate, I'm not lonely. I'm just a bit sad for letting go of my idealistic idea of my family life I had planned for my kids.
I got used to doing things alone. I got used to being with my kids alone. I got used to do grocery shopping alone with two toddlers, one running around and the other one saying he really really has to go to the bathroom.
I got used to being just the three of us now in the car, we turn up the music and sing and just act foolish. We listen to the Lord of the dance and we stomp our feet, clap and sing to it.
I got used to being alone on my evenings. I don't mind all of that.
But tonight, my ex came to visit the kids after he finished work at 8pm. I had just started the bedtime routine when he called. It was painful for all of us I think.
For me it was painful to see how my older son really misses his dad. How he kept asking him to sleep here instead going to his house.
My ex replied that mommy and daddy made such an agreement, but M. didn't take that for an answer.
It was painful to me to see the younger one opening his little hands towards him, wanting his daddy to carry him. It was painful to see how gentle and loving my ex was to my kids.
He always was a great dad, but today it was really painful to watch. It was like watching a perfect family picture but knowing it's not perfect, nor family. Just a picture that is falling apart again.
When he drove away, I put the kids to bed, and lied in the dark, silently crying, carefully watching so my son wouldn't notice it.
Why I cried?
Dunno. I guess it would be a bit ackward if I wouldn't cry. When I look at my ex,it sometimes hurts. Because I see a man whom I still love. I will always love him in a very special way. But I'm not in love with him anymore.
I've never spent so much time with someone and still respecting him, and I never felt that I could get old with someone without getting bored of that person but with him.
So, realising that dream is gone, realising things have changed, realising we will not be a happy family is painful. I think I was dealing with it really good so far. I moved on, at least a big part of me did.
I can allow myself to slip back to feeling pain when my kids are in pain.
It hurts to see M. asking about his dad.
And it makes me sad.I'm not at all sad because of me. I'm sad because of my kids.
I'm not desperate, I'm not lonely. I'm just a bit sad for letting go of my idealistic idea of my family life I had planned for my kids.
Today' music
Moby's Dream about me
Dream About Me- Moby
Babe
Oh, dream about me
Lie... on the phone to me
Tell me no truth
If it is bad
There's enough in my life
To make me so sad
Just dream about
Color fills our lives
Just dream about
Someone else tonight
Babe
Oh, dream about me
On the phone
Talking quietly
I wanna be yours
Oh, won't you be mine
Against red skies
For all time
So dream about... us
When we're old
Just dream about
How I will let go
Hand...
Hand...
And babe
Oh, dream about me
Lie, on the phone to me
Tell me no truth
If it is bad
There's enough in my life
To make me so sad
Just dream about
Color fills our lives
Just dream about
Someone else tonight
Just dream about
Color fills our song
Just dream about
How I will let go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbGUrNtoRC4
Dream About Me- Moby
Babe
Oh, dream about me
Lie... on the phone to me
Tell me no truth
If it is bad
There's enough in my life
To make me so sad
Just dream about
Color fills our lives
Just dream about
Someone else tonight
Babe
Oh, dream about me
On the phone
Talking quietly
I wanna be yours
Oh, won't you be mine
Against red skies
For all time
So dream about... us
When we're old
Just dream about
How I will let go
Hand...
Hand...
And babe
Oh, dream about me
Lie, on the phone to me
Tell me no truth
If it is bad
There's enough in my life
To make me so sad
Just dream about
Color fills our lives
Just dream about
Someone else tonight
Just dream about
Color fills our song
Just dream about
How I will let go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbGUrNtoRC4
nedjelja, 14. listopada 2007.
I can live my life again!
Yes, finally...like a huge burden that fell off my chest, I am free to live my life again. I can see my kids again. I can talk to my friends again. I can answer all those missed calls again and SMS-es I didn't have time to reply to. I can finally even tell my parents I had this huge event, since I didn't have time to do even that, to tell them why I can't answer their calls.
Okay, since people have been asking me how it went, let me just say it was a HUUUGE success, it went great, it was fabulous, fantastic, awesome.... Even the CEO from our HQ company who is a even greater perfectionist than I am, showed me a thumb up from the stage and said: "respect, Tanja". And my boss heard words like "What you put up here is incredible".
But the way to that huge success was filled with hard work, sacrifice, fear and in some moments: panic! So let me tell you...
One day before the event-friday, we had a meeting with the tehnicians, and we weren't finished till 11pm, so I told myself, never to schedule it so late. Since, as I came home, I couldn't sleep, since I went through every single detail of it again.
Oh, and was really worried for a technical part, since one presenter had few movies running directly from powerpoint, which is always risky.
Anyway, a day before the event, I didn't sleep much. I fell asleep at cca 2 and at 2:50 some jerk rang at my doorbell (the building door that is) and woke me up. Grrrrr.... so I didn't sleep at all and at 6:30 I was in the office again, picking up some CD's and DVD's.
And it wasn't just me who didn't sleep... when I realized I couldn't sleep at 1 am, I wanted to call my boss to remind him to bring something, and in that second I get an SMS message from the IT man, to bring a mouse for the laptop. No one slept.
The event had to start at 10:00 am. At 8, there was no technician to see (and I had a team of ca 20 people only for the technical part). Grrrr... Then they came and the fun started. Just when we put all the cables together, there was a short power loss in the conference center building...but luckily it was just for a second.
Heh.
The laptop we were supposed to run all the pp presentations from started to play crazy. Although everything worked out perfectly the day before, nothing suddenly worked. No signal from the laptop- no picture on the wall.
WTF???
So, I had these technicians dealing with it, and my boss asking when we'll be ready to start. It was a quarter to 10. What should I tell him?
You don't wanna know, so I won't bug you I told him calm. We're dealing with it.
Don't ask me what went through my mind though. No picture on the wall- no presentation from the guests. No presentations- no event. No event- oh....don't get my mind going.
Anyway, as we realized this laptop was crap, we ordered another one (laptop number three)! and luckily it came just in time to move all the folders to it, and adjust the resolution and everything. So, we had a picture on the projection wall.
Okay, the worst part was over. So I thought.
Then I'm being told that the power loss had frozen the projector.... omg.
Luckily, they solved that fast too, so we were ready to go, 10 minutes late, but well, okay. We're ready now.
We opened all doors, put some special lightning effects, music and let them in.
We're rolling.... the show begins.
Intro video...huge applause....the moderator.... the speech of our CEO...his presentation....few other presentations....videos.....performers....all went smooth. I watched the audience and I was satisfied. No one seemed bored. A beautiful a capella song from the dalmatian group just before the lunch break. It was fantastic!
People greeted me on their way out to lunch, gave me compliments, and the CEO from Germany seemed ok as well.
Only the timing was a bit rescheduled, since everyone exceeded his time given. We had to cut the lunch break short, and started the second part on time. That meant I had no time to rehearse the second part of the event with the technicians, but well.....
The other part was even a better success than the first part, since it was more dynamic. We had a stand up comedian opening the second part, even I had to L-O-L since she was sooo funny.
Few great videos and some musical performers who sang a duet from "Grease". It was awesome. Not to mention the finish, when we promoted some people, had a 12l bottle of Moet&Chandon, some great music playing real loud and the whole audience giving standing ovations.... it was p.e.r.f.e.c.t.
Well, since I'm a perfectionist, I'm aware of some tiny details which I will make different the next year. But for the people watching, it was just faboulous. Everyone seemed motivated and happy. Which was my goal. To fill people up with some really nice and strong energy. Everyone helped me on that way.
My boss seemed satisfied as well, he came to congratulate me and thank me (although I messed up his part a bit, cut out some slides from his speech, since it was too long and we didn't have time to go through it). But it was okay. He did really great on stage.
At the end, we had this two singers singing "Time to say goodbye", champagne on stage for all the VIP's and it was just beautiful.
Anyway...came home....dog tired, empty....all the adrenaline gone and just tired. I just hugged my child, was really happy to see him, since he was so patient, and so kind... and so gentle to me.
I asked him if I can just go to bed...and he went with me and lied still next to me, didn't talk much, although he wasn't sleepy at all. I am soooo proud of him. I have no heart telling him mommy is leaving on wednesday for 6 days. And then again. And then again and again and again. Luckily I have this fantastic girl as my nanny which I plan leaving him with.
She is like an older sister to him, but also firm when she needs to be. Unlike when he stays at his granny, he always seems balanced after he spends time with her.
Well, today is a new day, sunny day outside, and I can finally live my life again.
I am very very grateful to all my friends, especially my friends from SL, who have been very understanding, and very very kind to me. Who have crossed their fingers and thought of me yesterday. When everything seemed just black, I thought of you, and I felt you thinking of me, which helped me through the darkness. I am really grateful for that, and really thankful for having you in my life.
It's those moments, you know who's a friend, and who's not, not those glorious moment when you're being celebrated and congratulated on a great event... it's that dark moment, just before the light shows up.
And the darkest moment of the night is usually just that one short before the dawn.
Thank you guys for being my friends!
Okay, since people have been asking me how it went, let me just say it was a HUUUGE success, it went great, it was fabulous, fantastic, awesome.... Even the CEO from our HQ company who is a even greater perfectionist than I am, showed me a thumb up from the stage and said: "respect, Tanja". And my boss heard words like "What you put up here is incredible".
But the way to that huge success was filled with hard work, sacrifice, fear and in some moments: panic! So let me tell you...
One day before the event-friday, we had a meeting with the tehnicians, and we weren't finished till 11pm, so I told myself, never to schedule it so late. Since, as I came home, I couldn't sleep, since I went through every single detail of it again.
Oh, and was really worried for a technical part, since one presenter had few movies running directly from powerpoint, which is always risky.
Anyway, a day before the event, I didn't sleep much. I fell asleep at cca 2 and at 2:50 some jerk rang at my doorbell (the building door that is) and woke me up. Grrrrr.... so I didn't sleep at all and at 6:30 I was in the office again, picking up some CD's and DVD's.
And it wasn't just me who didn't sleep... when I realized I couldn't sleep at 1 am, I wanted to call my boss to remind him to bring something, and in that second I get an SMS message from the IT man, to bring a mouse for the laptop. No one slept.
The event had to start at 10:00 am. At 8, there was no technician to see (and I had a team of ca 20 people only for the technical part). Grrrr... Then they came and the fun started. Just when we put all the cables together, there was a short power loss in the conference center building...but luckily it was just for a second.
Heh.
The laptop we were supposed to run all the pp presentations from started to play crazy. Although everything worked out perfectly the day before, nothing suddenly worked. No signal from the laptop- no picture on the wall.
WTF???
So, I had these technicians dealing with it, and my boss asking when we'll be ready to start. It was a quarter to 10. What should I tell him?
You don't wanna know, so I won't bug you I told him calm. We're dealing with it.
Don't ask me what went through my mind though. No picture on the wall- no presentation from the guests. No presentations- no event. No event- oh....don't get my mind going.
Anyway, as we realized this laptop was crap, we ordered another one (laptop number three)! and luckily it came just in time to move all the folders to it, and adjust the resolution and everything. So, we had a picture on the projection wall.
Okay, the worst part was over. So I thought.
Then I'm being told that the power loss had frozen the projector.... omg.
Luckily, they solved that fast too, so we were ready to go, 10 minutes late, but well, okay. We're ready now.
We opened all doors, put some special lightning effects, music and let them in.
We're rolling.... the show begins.
Intro video...huge applause....the moderator.... the speech of our CEO...his presentation....few other presentations....videos.....performers....all went smooth. I watched the audience and I was satisfied. No one seemed bored. A beautiful a capella song from the dalmatian group just before the lunch break. It was fantastic!
People greeted me on their way out to lunch, gave me compliments, and the CEO from Germany seemed ok as well.
Only the timing was a bit rescheduled, since everyone exceeded his time given. We had to cut the lunch break short, and started the second part on time. That meant I had no time to rehearse the second part of the event with the technicians, but well.....
The other part was even a better success than the first part, since it was more dynamic. We had a stand up comedian opening the second part, even I had to L-O-L since she was sooo funny.
Few great videos and some musical performers who sang a duet from "Grease". It was awesome. Not to mention the finish, when we promoted some people, had a 12l bottle of Moet&Chandon, some great music playing real loud and the whole audience giving standing ovations.... it was p.e.r.f.e.c.t.
Well, since I'm a perfectionist, I'm aware of some tiny details which I will make different the next year. But for the people watching, it was just faboulous. Everyone seemed motivated and happy. Which was my goal. To fill people up with some really nice and strong energy. Everyone helped me on that way.
My boss seemed satisfied as well, he came to congratulate me and thank me (although I messed up his part a bit, cut out some slides from his speech, since it was too long and we didn't have time to go through it). But it was okay. He did really great on stage.
At the end, we had this two singers singing "Time to say goodbye", champagne on stage for all the VIP's and it was just beautiful.
Anyway...came home....dog tired, empty....all the adrenaline gone and just tired. I just hugged my child, was really happy to see him, since he was so patient, and so kind... and so gentle to me.
I asked him if I can just go to bed...and he went with me and lied still next to me, didn't talk much, although he wasn't sleepy at all. I am soooo proud of him. I have no heart telling him mommy is leaving on wednesday for 6 days. And then again. And then again and again and again. Luckily I have this fantastic girl as my nanny which I plan leaving him with.
She is like an older sister to him, but also firm when she needs to be. Unlike when he stays at his granny, he always seems balanced after he spends time with her.
Well, today is a new day, sunny day outside, and I can finally live my life again.
I am very very grateful to all my friends, especially my friends from SL, who have been very understanding, and very very kind to me. Who have crossed their fingers and thought of me yesterday. When everything seemed just black, I thought of you, and I felt you thinking of me, which helped me through the darkness. I am really grateful for that, and really thankful for having you in my life.
It's those moments, you know who's a friend, and who's not, not those glorious moment when you're being celebrated and congratulated on a great event... it's that dark moment, just before the light shows up.
And the darkest moment of the night is usually just that one short before the dawn.
Thank you guys for being my friends!
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