A bit sad...

Today was a lovely day actually. I was filled with joy and happiness, loving the sun on my skin, loving the city I live in, loving everyone actually.

I got used to doing things alone. I got used to being with my kids alone. I got used to do grocery shopping alone with two toddlers, one running around and the other one saying he really really has to go to the bathroom.
I got used to being just the three of us now in the car, we turn up the music and sing and just act foolish. We listen to the Lord of the dance and we stomp our feet, clap and sing to it.
I got used to being alone on my evenings. I don't mind all of that.

But tonight, my ex came to visit the kids after he finished work at 8pm. I had just started the bedtime routine when he called. It was painful for all of us I think.
For me it was painful to see how my older son really misses his dad. How he kept asking him to sleep here instead going to his house.
My ex replied that mommy and daddy made such an agreement, but M. didn't take that for an answer.
It was painful to me to see the younger one opening his little hands towards him, wanting his daddy to carry him. It was painful to see how gentle and loving my ex was to my kids.
He always was a great dad, but today it was really painful to watch. It was like watching a perfect family picture but knowing it's not perfect, nor family. Just a picture that is falling apart again.

When he drove away, I put the kids to bed, and lied in the dark, silently crying, carefully watching so my son wouldn't notice it.
Why I cried?

Dunno. I guess it would be a bit ackward if I wouldn't cry. When I look at my ex,it sometimes hurts. Because I see a man whom I still love. I will always love him in a very special way. But I'm not in love with him anymore.
I've never spent so much time with someone and still respecting him, and I never felt that I could get old with someone without getting bored of that person but with him.
So, realising that dream is gone, realising things have changed, realising we will not be a happy family is painful. I think I was dealing with it really good so far. I moved on, at least a big part of me did.

I can allow myself to slip back to feeling pain when my kids are in pain.
It hurts to see M. asking about his dad.
And it makes me sad.I'm not at all sad because of me. I'm sad because of my kids.
I'm not desperate, I'm not lonely. I'm just a bit sad for letting go of my idealistic idea of my family life I had planned for my kids.