Facing myself

Yes, I've been running away. Fooling myself. Protecting myself. From the bare simple plain truth.

In these months, I've been acting like I'm doing great, I'm so complete, so content, back to myself, but actually, I have never been more far away than now.

What have I learned?
There are all kinds of people out there. And no one is complete.
I've been with the most georgeous men. Virtually of course. I've been with them connected on all levels, just the physical part was missing.
I've been in the company of the most wonderful men. Too good to be true ones. But they were like stickers... they glued on me, stayed there for a while and then they were removed in one short and painful move.
I've had the most fabulous peoople around me, telling me how fantastic I am. Brain researchers, famous pianists, profesors, professor's assistants, artists, designers...
They had the most cool jobs, all kinds of licences, pilot's licence, MENSA members, Prometheus presidents...you name it.

And? And?
And nothing.
I still woke up alone each day. Missing my kids. Missing my family life. Missing taking care of someone. Missing buying things for someone. Missing, painfully missing.

I talked to my ex today...and it felt just like our good times. He made me laugh... he sees right into me. I see right into him. He joked. I told him he screwed up my life.
I realized how much I took him for granted too. His kindness. His generosity. His positiveness. His fighting for all of us.
I accused him of taking me for granted, while that's exactly what I did. I have big responsibility for this all.
Oh, fuck.

And then a friend gives me a link to a song, and I burst into tears. I feel the weight of this all. It's so much pain. It's so much love and hope and weight in this.
Tears fall right from my eyes to the floor as I write this. Soon, there will be a lake like Alice in wonderland and I'll be swimming/drowning in it.

I see I still have a chain which is preventing me to swim away from his influence. I'm anchored. I have no idea if I'll ever get free of this.