Who is Tanya?

I never liked my name, Tanja. Well, most kids hate their names. When I was a kid, my Barbie was named Elisabeth.

I'm not sure my name suits me. It's sweet and short. While I'm only short, but sweet?
Someone told me all Tanja's are beautiful and sexy, while I never saw myself as that. Smart, yes. Kind, yes. Ok looking, sometimes.


They say, we have 3 parts in us. The person we'd like to be, the person we think we are, and the person we really are. And that's the only one we don't know.

Tanya is my projection. I'd like to be as cool and as loved and as appreciated as she is. Omg, and she really is all that. She leads a fabulous second life. She has a cool job, a wonderful house, and is always surrounded and often overwhelmed by all those fantastic great guys and friends.

I'm trying to make this gap between Tanya and Tanja smaller.
I am slowly becoming as cool as Tanya.

There's a huge change in me outside and inside.
I've stopped being the person my ex always wanted me to be.
Or even more accurate, I stopped myself from preventing being the person my ex never wanted.

Yes.
It's not his fault.
It was me, pretending I'm something else.

This is me today.

I am happy when I look at myself. I can look into my eyes and smile. Say: you're ok kiddo. You're not perfect of course, but perfection is boring.

We're all walking yin yang signs... if we were pure perfect white circles, it would really be...dunno...this makes it a challenge I guess.

In these 9 months which were a journey back for 9 years I'm slowly finding my way back.

I have my kids and I am happy.

I really enjoy them.

I think I'm a fantastic mom.

I'd like to have a mom like this.

Not perfect again, I can lose my nerves and yell (and hate myself after it). It's so amazing how wonderful our kids work as mirrors. They reflect our inner world. When I'm calm and centered, my kids behave fantastic. When I'm in a hurry, not there and now, my kids run wild too. They tease, love to push my buttons and it's a vicious circle.

BUT what makes me a good mother is the fact that I don't blame my kids for not behaving, I KNOW IT'S ME!!!

I'm happy with my job and the place I live. I know I owe it to my ex, but hey, he owes me a lot too!!!

....to be continued...

Facing myself

Yes, I've been running away. Fooling myself. Protecting myself. From the bare simple plain truth.

In these months, I've been acting like I'm doing great, I'm so complete, so content, back to myself, but actually, I have never been more far away than now.

What have I learned?
There are all kinds of people out there. And no one is complete.
I've been with the most georgeous men. Virtually of course. I've been with them connected on all levels, just the physical part was missing.
I've been in the company of the most wonderful men. Too good to be true ones. But they were like stickers... they glued on me, stayed there for a while and then they were removed in one short and painful move.
I've had the most fabulous peoople around me, telling me how fantastic I am. Brain researchers, famous pianists, profesors, professor's assistants, artists, designers...
They had the most cool jobs, all kinds of licences, pilot's licence, MENSA members, Prometheus presidents...you name it.

And? And?
And nothing.
I still woke up alone each day. Missing my kids. Missing my family life. Missing taking care of someone. Missing buying things for someone. Missing, painfully missing.

I talked to my ex today...and it felt just like our good times. He made me laugh... he sees right into me. I see right into him. He joked. I told him he screwed up my life.
I realized how much I took him for granted too. His kindness. His generosity. His positiveness. His fighting for all of us.
I accused him of taking me for granted, while that's exactly what I did. I have big responsibility for this all.
Oh, fuck.

And then a friend gives me a link to a song, and I burst into tears. I feel the weight of this all. It's so much pain. It's so much love and hope and weight in this.
Tears fall right from my eyes to the floor as I write this. Soon, there will be a lake like Alice in wonderland and I'll be swimming/drowning in it.

I see I still have a chain which is preventing me to swim away from his influence. I'm anchored. I have no idea if I'll ever get free of this.

No regrets?

I often say I don't regret anything I've done in my life (well, except few things which weren't really healthy). But I really only regret things I didn't do.

What?

For example, diving with dolphins on Malta. Because we were with the group and i was told not to divide from the group.
Swimming with dolphins on Cuba. Same thing. Listened to other people again.
Seeing the pyramides while being in Egypt. Ok, although I admit, driving 400 km with a crazy taxi driver isn't a good idea when you're a mom of 2.

But...
I must say, I pretty much do what my impulses tell me to. Well, I try to. I have these inhibitions and little scared voices in me, but I get aware of them, and I jump over my own shadow. Of course it's embarassing sometimes. Of course you get rejected a lot. But otherwise you'll never know.

Do something that scares you each day.
When I was younger I wasn't scared at all. I did the wildest things. Hitchike, sleep under the starry sky in a sleeping bag, go to a big city alone, sneak out of the hotel to go partying in spain while the teacher said: no one goes out today and so on. I had fun. Who dares, wins.

Today I'm a bit more careful. But I still take my chances.
And yes, I still regret things I didn't do when I heard the voice inside: DO IT.

Why I'm writting this?
I just bought 2 chocolattes, to share with my coworkers.
At the cashier's in front of me was this really poor, dirty guy with a little child in a pushchair. And I realized all he bought was a small, cheap candy for his son.
And then I saw he collects empty bottles and sells them. And he was so gentle to that kid it brought tears to my eyes.
And my first impulse was: buy them something. give them money. Give one chocolatte to the kid. DAMN.
And I didn't do it.
And still regret it.

Because my coworkers and I ate just one, and the other one is in my drawer, as a reminder.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Another favorite quote of mine.

Anyway, this grounded me again. Back to basics. To important things.
To the core.
Damn, I have it so good...so many things I should be so grateful for. And yes, I had a very tough week, but hundreds of millions would give years of their lives to have a week like this.

Damn, Tanja...you're being so ungrateful again.

Why men marry bitches

Is the title of one of the stupidest books I've read.

I was thinking about it as I was cleaning the house today and thought, this really can't be happening. First we had centuries of men telling us what to do and how to behave, and now instead of listening to ourselves finally, we have homosexuals and other women doing it for us.
(and no, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against homosexuals, au contraire, but the way they terrorize us with their fashion concepts, pressuring us to look like young boys is just terrible, but that's another subject).

And now we have HER.. Sherry Argov and her book, telling us what to think, what to say, how to act and how to react.
And yeah, let's not forget our goal: how to get HIM to marry us.

Oh-my-God.
I was really wondering what my purpose on this planet was. Now I know it.
I have to lure a male and make him totally crazy about myself by rejecting him, not answering his calls, punishing him for not calling me, being totally cool, making him believe I have a life and better things to do instead of spending my time with him.

I mean, I just adore books which tell us how NOT to be ourselves.I adore books which tell us that we're not complete without someone.
I adore books which make us feel bad for caring for someone.

Now....I really have to ask myself, how is that kind of thinking supposed to make us happy. How this is supposed to make us feel like true us.
Complete as one person, together with another complete person, while the sum of two people is becoming more than just simple adding two together?

Oh dear.First I put the book away thinking: rubbish. But then I've read it and suddenly I started hearing voices.
LOL, one voice that is. HER VOICE. Sherry (I can exactly imagine how someone named Sherry can look like).
Don't do this. Act like this. No, no you're doing it wrong. You'll chase him away.Don't show you care. Don't answer. Be a bitch. Yesssss....good girl.

But I have to admit. It worked. It totally confused the guy.
And he wasn't the only one. I got confused too.Because I realized I don't enjoy the relationship anymore. From nice, easy and relaxed it had become a game where you have to be on guard. Make your moves before him. Watch each word. Think twice. Don't follow your heart. Follow the instructions from the book!

What an amazing concept.
Act like you have a life.

Amazing concept #2
Act like you don't care so you lure him to marry you
(what a noble and true motiv)

Amazing concept #3
books stops there. Not a single word about AFTER he really does marry you. Do you remove your "fantastic woman" mask and show him the real you? The sometimes sad, sometimes nagging, sometimes needy, sometimes jealous, sometimes weak.....you.
And laugh histerically with the "now you're left with this my dear, till death do us part?"

How about someone writting a book about how to be more YOU.
How to be happy by being YOU.
Accepting YOU and the world.
Accepting the other person and loving her for what she is.
Without wanting to change her. Without changing for her.

I don't need anything, really, but the last thing I need is a victim.
I want to have a life, not pretend to have one.
I want my partner to respect me for what I am, and to accept that person.

Venting

I've always wondered who these women are, sitting in the car and putting make up during redlight.
As I finally left both kids in their daycares this morning, looked at the watch and realized my meeting starts in 20 mins and I still have to prepare some docs, I knew it: single moms.

My kids had a really slow morning. The more I am in the hurry, the more they drag their feet.
We woke up slowly as always, cuddled in bed, hugged, played...then they ate breakfast...but putting on clothes took forever. Then these endless discussions with Mark, him needing explanations why can't we go to the daycare with his bike, and I'm nervously looking at my watch, realizing he has to be in the daycare in 15 mins because they have a play this morning.
Then Dominik playing hide and seek in the garage, and yeah, what a great sight, me chasing him around the car in high heels and him laughing his little a$$ off at me.
A sigh of relief and few deep breaths when they are both in their carseats, my ipod connected, music playing, engine running...
I usually can come to work whenever I want. But today I had to prepare for a meeting and I was running late 15 mins. And yeah, I was putting some basic makeup in the car (concealer is my best friend these days, I am chronically sleep deprived) and I came to the office 15 mins before the meeting.

I managed to prepare everything of course, but a remark my boss's assistant made really pissed me off.
I asked her if we found a new accountant and she said, yes, you still haven't come to work this morning as the boss went down to the office, have you?
No I wasn't in the office, I said, in a totally cool tone. I mean, two kids can't get my out of balance, why would she?

But I really feel the urge to sit and talk to her, tell her I'm not a threat to her so she can play the office manager here but she better stop mobbing attempts. Although I perfectly undestand little egos people have and their needs to be important, she shouldn't forget I'm here from the very beginning of this company, and I actually DID her job for years before I got promoted to this position I'm in now.

Oh, office bitches, how I hate those.

-end of venting-

2008

I decided to continue writting on this blog.
I've opened a new one for 2008 but I gave it up.
So much has happened since my last entry here.
I could analyse so much, but won't bug you with any inner dialogue (or monologue) I'm leading in myself.

It's funny how you have things repeating in your life.
I've had patterns happening in my life and it was really fun to see myself reacting to them differently each time. By now, I've really learned to detach myself a lot from that, and can really say I've learned the lesson and I've learned how NOT to be touched by things.
Buddhism.

As always, a lesson comes knocking on your doors, and you better open them and face it while it still knocks gently. Because it will ring the bell then. And then bang on the door. And if you still pretend no one's home, it will just break in with one strong kick. And then better run for your life.

Taking things as they come, accepting all. Good and bad. Knowing there is no good and bad. Just things. And things are just temporary things. We're so much more than that.
People count. Being nice to people, accepting them as they are. Accepting yourself. Your life. Not taking life seriously. Not taking things personally.
Not complaining. Looking around and seeing people who really have problems.
Being grateful for people liking and accepting me.
Accepting and liking myself.
Taking a deep breath and smiling.
Everything is good, if not, it will only get better.

Yes, we are dust in the wind, but it still doesn't mean we cannot enjoy our short flight through the air. Perhaps it's an illusion that we can control our lives, perhaps it's just the wind of destiny that drives us through, perhaps our journey will end tomorrow, perhaps we'll collide with another particle and make a quantum leap, perhaps we will find and melt with another human being, perhaps we will stay alone. In the end we're alone. So we better like it.

I have so much to learn.
I know nothing.
I've just scratched the surface.
But I want to learn.
I don't want a shortcut, because shortcuts are sometimes longer ways if you get lost on your way.
There are many lost people around, and it's not my task to help them.
I will go my way, and no one will stop me. If someone wants to walk a while with me or follow, I'll be glad to enjoy some nice company.
But I am perfectly ok with travelling alone. If that's what life intended for me now, I accept it.
I had some really great people coming into my life and walking out of it again in these few months. They were a great company, and it was hard seeing them go. I still love them.
But that's life.
You cannot stay in a circle, because if you do, it's just an illusion you live in. You feel like you're moving, but you're not getting anywhere. I KNOW ABOUT THAT WELL!!

So..
I feel like I'm standing on a huge huge meadow...covered with millions of flowers. Warm summer air smells so sweet...the sky above me is crystal clear, with few funny shaped fluffly clouds.
There are nice nature sounds and if I ever get bored of them, I have my music in my pocket.
Yes, it is a bit lonely at times...I feel like I'm all alone....but I know I could eventually meet someone out there, who'll cross way with mine. Perhaps we will walk together...support eachother. Share what we have. Synergy.
2+2=5 (at least)
that's what I'd take. Nothing less than that.

I could easily have 2+2=4 but for now that's not good enough. I don't want to rush into a relatonship just because, and especially I don't want to introduce a new partner to my kids.
No way. It could turn out that 2+2=3 or less, and I don't want that.