Who is Tanya?

I never liked my name, Tanja. Well, most kids hate their names. When I was a kid, my Barbie was named Elisabeth.

I'm not sure my name suits me. It's sweet and short. While I'm only short, but sweet?
Someone told me all Tanja's are beautiful and sexy, while I never saw myself as that. Smart, yes. Kind, yes. Ok looking, sometimes.


They say, we have 3 parts in us. The person we'd like to be, the person we think we are, and the person we really are. And that's the only one we don't know.

Tanya is my projection. I'd like to be as cool and as loved and as appreciated as she is. Omg, and she really is all that. She leads a fabulous second life. She has a cool job, a wonderful house, and is always surrounded and often overwhelmed by all those fantastic great guys and friends.

I'm trying to make this gap between Tanya and Tanja smaller.
I am slowly becoming as cool as Tanya.

There's a huge change in me outside and inside.
I've stopped being the person my ex always wanted me to be.
Or even more accurate, I stopped myself from preventing being the person my ex never wanted.

Yes.
It's not his fault.
It was me, pretending I'm something else.

This is me today.

I am happy when I look at myself. I can look into my eyes and smile. Say: you're ok kiddo. You're not perfect of course, but perfection is boring.

We're all walking yin yang signs... if we were pure perfect white circles, it would really be...dunno...this makes it a challenge I guess.

In these 9 months which were a journey back for 9 years I'm slowly finding my way back.

I have my kids and I am happy.

I really enjoy them.

I think I'm a fantastic mom.

I'd like to have a mom like this.

Not perfect again, I can lose my nerves and yell (and hate myself after it). It's so amazing how wonderful our kids work as mirrors. They reflect our inner world. When I'm calm and centered, my kids behave fantastic. When I'm in a hurry, not there and now, my kids run wild too. They tease, love to push my buttons and it's a vicious circle.

BUT what makes me a good mother is the fact that I don't blame my kids for not behaving, I KNOW IT'S ME!!!

I'm happy with my job and the place I live. I know I owe it to my ex, but hey, he owes me a lot too!!!

....to be continued...