No regrets?

I often say I don't regret anything I've done in my life (well, except few things which weren't really healthy). But I really only regret things I didn't do.

What?

For example, diving with dolphins on Malta. Because we were with the group and i was told not to divide from the group.
Swimming with dolphins on Cuba. Same thing. Listened to other people again.
Seeing the pyramides while being in Egypt. Ok, although I admit, driving 400 km with a crazy taxi driver isn't a good idea when you're a mom of 2.

But...
I must say, I pretty much do what my impulses tell me to. Well, I try to. I have these inhibitions and little scared voices in me, but I get aware of them, and I jump over my own shadow. Of course it's embarassing sometimes. Of course you get rejected a lot. But otherwise you'll never know.

Do something that scares you each day.
When I was younger I wasn't scared at all. I did the wildest things. Hitchike, sleep under the starry sky in a sleeping bag, go to a big city alone, sneak out of the hotel to go partying in spain while the teacher said: no one goes out today and so on. I had fun. Who dares, wins.

Today I'm a bit more careful. But I still take my chances.
And yes, I still regret things I didn't do when I heard the voice inside: DO IT.

Why I'm writting this?
I just bought 2 chocolattes, to share with my coworkers.
At the cashier's in front of me was this really poor, dirty guy with a little child in a pushchair. And I realized all he bought was a small, cheap candy for his son.
And then I saw he collects empty bottles and sells them. And he was so gentle to that kid it brought tears to my eyes.
And my first impulse was: buy them something. give them money. Give one chocolatte to the kid. DAMN.
And I didn't do it.
And still regret it.

Because my coworkers and I ate just one, and the other one is in my drawer, as a reminder.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Another favorite quote of mine.

Anyway, this grounded me again. Back to basics. To important things.
To the core.
Damn, I have it so good...so many things I should be so grateful for. And yes, I had a very tough week, but hundreds of millions would give years of their lives to have a week like this.

Damn, Tanja...you're being so ungrateful again.

Why men marry bitches

Is the title of one of the stupidest books I've read.

I was thinking about it as I was cleaning the house today and thought, this really can't be happening. First we had centuries of men telling us what to do and how to behave, and now instead of listening to ourselves finally, we have homosexuals and other women doing it for us.
(and no, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against homosexuals, au contraire, but the way they terrorize us with their fashion concepts, pressuring us to look like young boys is just terrible, but that's another subject).

And now we have HER.. Sherry Argov and her book, telling us what to think, what to say, how to act and how to react.
And yeah, let's not forget our goal: how to get HIM to marry us.

Oh-my-God.
I was really wondering what my purpose on this planet was. Now I know it.
I have to lure a male and make him totally crazy about myself by rejecting him, not answering his calls, punishing him for not calling me, being totally cool, making him believe I have a life and better things to do instead of spending my time with him.

I mean, I just adore books which tell us how NOT to be ourselves.I adore books which tell us that we're not complete without someone.
I adore books which make us feel bad for caring for someone.

Now....I really have to ask myself, how is that kind of thinking supposed to make us happy. How this is supposed to make us feel like true us.
Complete as one person, together with another complete person, while the sum of two people is becoming more than just simple adding two together?

Oh dear.First I put the book away thinking: rubbish. But then I've read it and suddenly I started hearing voices.
LOL, one voice that is. HER VOICE. Sherry (I can exactly imagine how someone named Sherry can look like).
Don't do this. Act like this. No, no you're doing it wrong. You'll chase him away.Don't show you care. Don't answer. Be a bitch. Yesssss....good girl.

But I have to admit. It worked. It totally confused the guy.
And he wasn't the only one. I got confused too.Because I realized I don't enjoy the relationship anymore. From nice, easy and relaxed it had become a game where you have to be on guard. Make your moves before him. Watch each word. Think twice. Don't follow your heart. Follow the instructions from the book!

What an amazing concept.
Act like you have a life.

Amazing concept #2
Act like you don't care so you lure him to marry you
(what a noble and true motiv)

Amazing concept #3
books stops there. Not a single word about AFTER he really does marry you. Do you remove your "fantastic woman" mask and show him the real you? The sometimes sad, sometimes nagging, sometimes needy, sometimes jealous, sometimes weak.....you.
And laugh histerically with the "now you're left with this my dear, till death do us part?"

How about someone writting a book about how to be more YOU.
How to be happy by being YOU.
Accepting YOU and the world.
Accepting the other person and loving her for what she is.
Without wanting to change her. Without changing for her.

I don't need anything, really, but the last thing I need is a victim.
I want to have a life, not pretend to have one.
I want my partner to respect me for what I am, and to accept that person.

Venting

I've always wondered who these women are, sitting in the car and putting make up during redlight.
As I finally left both kids in their daycares this morning, looked at the watch and realized my meeting starts in 20 mins and I still have to prepare some docs, I knew it: single moms.

My kids had a really slow morning. The more I am in the hurry, the more they drag their feet.
We woke up slowly as always, cuddled in bed, hugged, played...then they ate breakfast...but putting on clothes took forever. Then these endless discussions with Mark, him needing explanations why can't we go to the daycare with his bike, and I'm nervously looking at my watch, realizing he has to be in the daycare in 15 mins because they have a play this morning.
Then Dominik playing hide and seek in the garage, and yeah, what a great sight, me chasing him around the car in high heels and him laughing his little a$$ off at me.
A sigh of relief and few deep breaths when they are both in their carseats, my ipod connected, music playing, engine running...
I usually can come to work whenever I want. But today I had to prepare for a meeting and I was running late 15 mins. And yeah, I was putting some basic makeup in the car (concealer is my best friend these days, I am chronically sleep deprived) and I came to the office 15 mins before the meeting.

I managed to prepare everything of course, but a remark my boss's assistant made really pissed me off.
I asked her if we found a new accountant and she said, yes, you still haven't come to work this morning as the boss went down to the office, have you?
No I wasn't in the office, I said, in a totally cool tone. I mean, two kids can't get my out of balance, why would she?

But I really feel the urge to sit and talk to her, tell her I'm not a threat to her so she can play the office manager here but she better stop mobbing attempts. Although I perfectly undestand little egos people have and their needs to be important, she shouldn't forget I'm here from the very beginning of this company, and I actually DID her job for years before I got promoted to this position I'm in now.

Oh, office bitches, how I hate those.

-end of venting-