October

October is for me always a busy month. First, that event we have at the beginning of it, then that business/holliday travel to Turkey each year, and 10 days after we come back, we go to this incentive travel, to a special place in the world. I am bored in the office today, and the weather is just awful, so I'll take out some vacation photos if you don't mind and paste them here. No one can take away these memories from me.

When I started to work in my firm, the first place my boss went to was Rio. He didn't like it at all. I knew I would have liked it.
A year after that, he thought about taking me with him, but unfortunately he didn't. They went to South Africa. Cape town, Suncity, Johanesburg, Pretoria...*sigh*
The year after that, 2001, I went on my first cruise, with a beautiful sailing ship Royal Clipper from Barbados to Martinique. It was just awesome. Here's a picture of the ship I took from a tender boat.



Nice, huh? Yeah, I take good photos, lol.

A year after that we went to Bangkok in Thailand. I was pregnant then and it was very interesting, although I didn't like the air there, all that traffic congestion, all those smells on the street etc. But it was good, seeing how people can be happy living in such conditions, being modest and humble.
Oh, and I'll always remember a perfect foot massage for ca 5 euros? and great, great shopping. I also bought my unborn son a xmas gift, a toy giraffe. :)

The next trip I missed, since my son was too small. It was a Club Med2 cruise in the meditteranean (Cannes, Capri, Corsica etc). It was nice, so I've heard. Well, the main boss of the company wanted both me and my baby M. to go with them on the cruise when he heard I didn't want to leave him since he was so satisfied how I managed the event before. It was flattering, but unfortunately, the stupid sailing company doesn't allow kids on board. Grrrr. SO I stayed home.

The year after that, 2004 we went to Cuba. I expected a lot from Cuba, but I have to say, Cuba looks way more interesting on the film that it is in real. Havana is just awfully smelling (from those ancient cars, not sure what fuel they put into them but it's nothing healthy in there), the people there are really poor (and no, not as happy as Castro likes to present them). The food is terrible (even in this luxury hotels it's just average) and since I'm pretty socially sensitive, I didn't like it.
We had young men on the street wanting to trade cigars for sneakers. And yes, they've heard about expensive brands, obviously. And I went to their local store and saw the stuff they can buy. Just terrible, plastic shoes etc.
What I liked is a visit to the cigar factory, where they have one person employed for reading the newspapers to the others while they work. Oh, and we were to the Havana Club rum distillery too. And to the famous tropicana show. And we drove with all possible vehicles in Havana. Various oldtimers (I most enjoyed a fantastic cabriolet drive through all Havanna, while huge waves were splashing the street), horse carriage, tuk-tuk thingy -that yellow funny vehicle, cubanese train and bus). Let's see if I can find some pictures.








The last one is taken in Varadero. Nothing special to mention about Varadero.... a luxury resort and some carribean flair. I bet all Cuba will look like that when Castro goes away.
Oh, except that we saw Lucky Luciano's villa. And that I wanted to go horseback riding on the beach and swimming with the dolphins. But I didn't. :(
My ex said I'm not supposed to leave the group and I didnt' leave the group. So stupid of me, I should have just left the hotel and pay for the excursion instead of staying in the hotel and watch the rain.
He always did this to me. Prevented my inner true self wishes come true.

Well, I never regret something I did in my life, just the things I didn't do. That is just one example of it.

Okay... next year it was Thailand and Malaysia. A fantastic cruise with the sailing ship Star Flyer. And I was again pregnant with my younger son. It was awesome. The only bad thing is that my older son which stayed with his grandma was really ill, had this bad virus with really bad cough, fever and vomiting. I worried a lot and I didn't enjoy it as much. I remember one night talking to his aunt on the phone since grandma was on the way to the pediatrician with M. and the aunt said following: "I'm telling you, Tanja, believe me, M. is not at all doing good.

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

And I was there, on a ship, in the middle of the ocean, it was midnight there (2 PM in Europe) and what was I supposed to do??? Jump into the ocean and swim? Call for a helicopter?
So I called the doctor. And she told me everything is okay, that she just examined him and everything will be alright.
I'll never forget that feeling of not being able to do anything but worry and feel bad for going.

The cruise itself was interesting. We went from Phuket (which was a bit weird, going there after the tsunami) to some thai islands, and to Langkawi in Malaysia. You'll probably recognize the James Bond island too.

this is the Star Flyer. A beauty. Sailing at its most luxurious way.







Well... then my son was born. And I missed another trip. Aaaa... and it was Argentina and Brasil- Buenos Aires and Rio de Janeiro.
And I didn't go to Rio. Again. :(

This year we're going with the club med2 to the carribean. Well, I guess I'm going. Not sure, since my ex doesn't want me to go. He always had a great talent to prevent me doing things I really wanted to do. And if I go, I guess this will be my final trip.
Which is funny, since the Carribean was my first and obviously my last one. It's a nice closure. And I hope I will be able to afford some great destinations in the future.

I want to go to S. Africa, Rio, NYC, Sydney, Dubai, Tanzania, Japan perhaps and Canada and Alaska.
And in Europe, I've never been to Scandinavia, Portugal and Ireland (ok, also not to Bulgaria, Ukraine and Albania but I don't intend to, anyway) I've been to Malta though, does this count? lol
I would like to do a cruise from Amsterdam to Stockholm, Oslo, Helsinki, St Petersburg and Kopenhagen. But it's expensive, and getting more expensive each year Well, some day, perhaps.

Why am I writting this? Well..it's raining outside... the autumn in it's full colours. I'm bored at work. I'm trying to think about something else, remember good times, sun and the beautiful tirquise water. The white sand under my feet. The feeling of freedom when sailing and looking at the ocean on the horizont.

As for luxury... well...I've had my fair share of it, I admit. I've slept in best hotels, tasted best foods, champagne, wine, flew business class, had 1st class treatment. But I've never allowed that to define me. Nor to change me. And those are things I am proud about myself. That from what I've heard, I remained normal (I have a special friend whos assignment was to warn me if I ever start acting like Paris H.).

But you know... it's just things.

The truth is, in all these years, I didn't feel appreciated and loved for what I am. I felt as an accessoire to my ex. And as a mother, and a maid, and a cook and a mistress. But never accepted as the person I really was.

I changed because of him.
I lost contact to my inner child, my sense of humour, my inner true self. I deliberately cut out all my spirituality (and I was a totally spiritual person before I met him, I had all the answers and was totally happy just for existing).
I lost contact with people I used to be with, I lost contact with my past. With my roots. With things I liked to do. I felt bad when I did something just for myself, like playing computer games which was always something I liked to do since it relaxed me. He said I'm acting like a teenager. So I played when he's not around.

I learned how to do "small talk" with people. Which I HATE!
I like really talking to people, sharing what I feel. The first voyage I've been to, I did that, I was a bit myself.. and people liked it, they said it was refreshing.
The years which followed, I did nothing but small talk. Commented the weather, hotel, cruise, blah blah.

So, the price I paid for this luxurious life was high.
I sometimes have a feeling I sold myself.

I sacrificed my true self for the happiness of my kids and for this golden cage I lived in. I thought, I will commit and stay with him for the rest of my life. He is not ideal but he's okay.
He is a good person within although he sometimes doesn't act like one, he is a great father when he has the time for our kids, besides, I don't wanna ruin the future of my kids, destroy our family (I've been through the divorce of my parents and it has marked me for the rest of my life, but I was 11, a very difficult age for a divorce)

You know, it's not daily life which made me notice this is not what I was looking for.
It's the hollidays like Christmas and Easter when I noticed we aren't a real family, just two people put together and having kids together. I've had my image of how hollidays should be like and he had his.
Although we have much in common, we are totally different.

And since I'm a tolerant and open minded person, I accepted him.
And since he's rigid, stubborn and sooo sure of himself being right all the time and just HIS way being the right way, he never accepted me. He wanted to change me and when he didn't change me completely, he gave up.
For example, he had this image of his wife not working at all, but being home with the kids. And I didn't want that, I said I didn't go to school for 17 years to watch the laundry being washed all day, so I worked part time. Imagine how lost would I feel now if I didn't have my job? He would have me even more dependant than he has me now. I wasn't happy, and I cried pretty much all day.
I tried to reach him, tried to get some tender loving care, some warmth from him, but he was pretty distant and cold to me. I felt rejected and cried very often.


When my ex saw my unhappiness, after I said I wish he would work less and have more time for me and the kids, he said that his job is allowing us that life we were living, and asked me if I'd prefer to be with a bus driver for example, living in a small flat, not knowing how to pay my bills.

Deep within I thought: if he would make me happy, if he would love me like I was the most precious thing on Earth, if he would make me feel good because I'm just being myself, if he would be a loving man and a father: YES!!!

But I think I can have both. Both a comfortable life not worrying about money and a wonderful man by my side.
I think I can be a spiritual true self and live in a material world.

For more than 7 years, I've lived a material life, being totally grounded.
7 years before that, I lived a totally spiritual life, being happy from within although I didn't have much (I was a student).
I think, these 7 years which will follow are the years of atuning. Balancing. Being happy again for being the person I am.
I need to find the road I left when I met him, continue on that path with all the experience I have now.

I look forward to the journey.
And as of the Carribean... that journey isn't that much important to me anymore.