Bam!

That was me, hitting the ground.

I am totally dispersed in thousands of little fragments, like a bag of marbles all over the floor. I can't collect them... everything seems so sad, hopeless...
There's just the empty white fog, the moist and the cold, silence and emptiness, the "I am in this all alone" feeling.

My heart inside is trembling....
The wound is soul-deep.

Denying that won't help it heal. It is to the bone.I'm just trying to cover it up with some tissue.. but it doesn't really help.

I'm searching for a new place to live with my kids. And it breaks my heart to think that I'll have to move them from this wonderful place they're in now to some dump which I can afford. I've built a home for them here. I was the only one trying to make this place our home, since my ex never felt like home here.
It breaks my heart to have to leave it.

Geez. What is this lesson I have to learn?

This reminds me of my grandfather. I will tell you about him.
He was the wisest person I ever met. I was a kid when he told me his life story, and I don't remember it well, so I'll just tell you everything I know about him.

He said, he got rich three times, and lost everything three times.
He left his home very early, don't remember it but it was a sad story, something with his mother I think.

He was a pilot... an air force pilot. And once, he almost lost his job when he flew too low over the city, just to deliver flowers into his girlfriend's garden (he threw them out from the bomb compartment ;).

During the war, he lost his wife and two children which were killed in the concentration camp. He ended in a concentration camp too during WWII (his mother was jewish).
Being good at repairing things saved his life, since he repaired a radio to a german soldier, and he helped him escape.
He met my grandmother but he never married again. He went to Israel. My grandmother never forgave him.

He had an electrics shop in Israel, made good money, had a nice house there, almost got killed in a car accident when a tank hit his car (which wasn't that hard to find in Israel).

After he died his best friend took all the money from his account. So, I'd say, he lost everything 4 times, and I really hope he got up somewhere in another paralel way of existing.

Anyway...I remember one scene, as he was visiting us here and he told me to sit in front of him, and show him my hands...
and he said: "your fingers are a bit trembling, and you're still young". I've told you my life story and I've been to the top and to the bottom three times in my life. And look, my hands are still.

I just thought... wow.

And you know, I have his blood in me I feel it...
I don't mind hitting the ground. It's the endless falling which is so difficult to me.
Everytime I touch the ground, I use this to push myself away from it, and swim to the surface again.

Tomorrow is All Saint's day as we call it here. A day dedicated to the people who have left us.
I owe so much to my grandparents. I am so grateful for such great ancestors. They were so strong, they had so much energy, so much life in them, such a strong will...they were so intelligent and wise...

I wish I could hear their advice now.
I dedicate this post and this song to them.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbcltLf2VHo


To my grandfather who was the toughest men I ever met.
My grandmother who was the wisest and strongest minded person I ever met.
To my aunt who loved me a lot, who used to take me over for the weekend when I was a little girl and I had a great time drinking tea, pretending to be a dog and learning how to make soup.
To my other grandmother who I forgive everything she did to my mom, leaving her when she was a kid which resulted in my mom not knowing how to be a good mom, but always wanted to learn that.
To my best friends boyfriend, whom I learnt to accept just a year before he died, who taught me a lesson about what love should be like since he really loved my friend.
An ex boyfriend of mine, to which I say "I'm sorry for abandoning you".
And to my two dead dogs which meant the world to me, especially my irish setter "Kana" which I'll never forget and still recall every part of her beautiful coat, that is such a comforting thought.

I deeply believe that they exist in a way, and that on this day, the membrane between these two worlds is somehow thinner. So we connect.
I'll light up a candle tomorrow for all of them and thank them for everything.
And ask for their support.


Christina Aguilera
Hurt
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

By hurting you