Well, I guess this christmass will be a bit different.

Other people are buying tons of food, cakes and sweets...I went to the supermarket to buy wine and baccardi breezers, lol.

But I bought a bottle of my favorite wine, it will be a treat, lol.

i have to stop thinking. How about a total mental and emotional anesthesia?

Went to the last chiropractic treatment, feeling ok now again. Went to the market, bought some nice fresh vegetables, some domestic food, made a nice brunch for myself when I came home.
I hate eating alone though. But, well....such times I guess.
Yedsterday I felt a bit sad after everyone left, and my ex took the kids, but I remembered there are people even more sad than I am, I am not at all doing bad.
So I transfered the last cash I had on my account to my nanny which was really depressed for some reason (and I think it's the money) and sent an SMS to a poor woman which used to help me with housekeeping (while I could afford paying for it) telling her to come pick up some new winter boots and clothes for her grandson, which my kids didn't use.
Yeah, when you're sad, just look around...you'll find someone who is much sader and in more need than you are...and help him. You'll make both feel better. Making someone happy is the best you can do.
Good karma, besides.

Today I bought myself an olive tree. Instead of an xmas tree....lol I'm doing everything different from the rest of the world. But I read olive branches are a symbol of Christ and of peace. So....nothing wrong in that, better than those millions of trees cut off.
Besides, if I won't have the kids over, no use and all the xmas decoration is being kept at my ex's house, and he will probably use it. although I spent a fortune on really classy decoration 2 yrs ago. Naaah, I want that back, I'll tell him to bring it. hahaha
He called me today, while I was in the car. Asked me how we will arrange things for xmas. I told him no idea....and that we can't cut them in half, and splitting them up -one having one and the other having the other doesn't
make much sense.
And he said "this is something you chose, by yourself"
How? I asked. I just accepted what life sent to me. You were the one who moved out, remember?
Yeah, but I was telling you for two years that things needed to be changed....

Yeah, great, now he's making me responsible for it.
I hung up and realized he made me cry.
Driving and crying..just like a scene from a film.
But just few deep breaths, and I got over it. No idea what he wants and why he said that.
I wanna move on. Be independant of him. Of course at times like these, I imagine us being together and ask myself how it would feel for me. And for a second I have feelings for him...but then I remember all the put downs, how miserable he made me feel...and no....no living in the past...

Looking at my rear view mirror..
Looking at my rear view mirror
I can make it dissappear..
I can make it disappear, have no fear!
I like pleasure spiked with pain and music is my aeroplane
It's my aeroplane...